Skiing at Wintergreen.

I went skiing at wintergreen the day after christmas. Actually snowboarding and blading. I realized while snowboarding that I am tired of winter activities and that this was way too much work for such little fun. I learned to ski at wintergreen when I was 3 years old. Either I am a fast learner, or my mom drives a bottle of vodka. I'll have to ask my dad. Regardless, I decided that I was tired of this when I busted my @$$ within 5 seconds of beginning down the hill. The rest of the run was flawless, until I planted getting off the lift. That run was flawless as well, and I did do a bit of showing out. But my feet weren't used to my snowboard boots, so my arches are literally in pain. I decided to try my mom's ski blades. I grabbed my ski boots (I took my board and skis-turns out my skis are so old that they can't calibrate them due to liability issues) and, with a few minor adjustments, was ready to take off on the blades. Blades are smaller than kid's skis and have rounded edges. My mom had said they would be slow because they were the small ones or some crap like that. WRONG. I learned quick that weight had a LOT to do with velocity on these blades. I am sure that there were sparks coming from my feet as I took off down the hill. It was like national lampoon's christmas vacation and the sledding thing when clark put the food additive on the thing.

So, I am flying down the hill-I think I hit a few people with my poles-and that's when the inevitable happens. I am used to young kids who have no idea what they are doing run into me on the slopes at least 1 time per trip. Apparently, the blades were on a vendetta, avenging me to non skiing little punks on the slopes. I was flying down the hill at 40 mph and I flew through a church group while screaming cuss words, and then I ended up taking out these 4 kids. Yeah, all at the same time. Seriously, it was like human bowling. I skiied over this one kid and I think he was crying and saying something about my weight. THAT"S JUST RUDE-he didn't know me-he has no right to comment on my weight. So, after I skied over him, I did a triple lutz and slid down the hill at 40 mph for a quarter of a mile. Some other kid came over and helped was helping me up, but then he started talking funny and I couldn't understand him. I looked over at him, and I think I inadvertantly used his face as leverage to get up off the ground. In reality, I used his shoulder for support and this tightened his scarf over his mouth and he couldn't speak. As soon as I was up, the skis took off and I left my poles with the kid inadvertantly. I crashed really good at the bottom of the hill and slid headfirst for another quarter of a mile, and this time my pants decided to open up and take some snow home. In my pants. And underwear.

Cats.

This woman just called me. We pull up her insurance policy, and she tells me that she is taking both of her cats. She wants one of the cats to ride in the bottom of the plane with the other animals, and she wants the other one to ride in the cabin with her. I tell her that she needs to call the airline to find out. Now, a few thoughts.

How much does favoritism does she show to Fluffy that Mr Cat doesn't get.

How inconsiderate of others is this catwoman?

Has Mr Cat realized this, and what clothing of said woman has been distroyed as the result?

Wouldn't the air pressure rupture the cat's ear drums?

I am really pissed about something else right now, and am trying to take my mind off that crap. Regardless, If I was on this flight and had to deal with two hours of cat crys, I'd probably trip the woman as she exited the plane and rescue the cat from whatever other #### it has to endure.

9:32 Saturday night.

this is my weekend to work, and I am sitting here at work-listening to some song about some guy pulling on his laffy taffee, checking email and reviewing my 401k. I am thinking about changing this from conservative to aggressive. yeah, i have no idea of what that means either (if you said that). looking at all of these charts and stuff, I realized that this is that class i slept through at VCU. i am working all of this overtime and i was going to buy everyone a chia pet for christmas-until i saw that they are 19.95 for each one and the two people who sit next around me. anycrap, not gonna happen. i am so glad i am finding all of these old friends on myspace. yup that's tight.

Whoa....sometimes the customer is wrong.

www.phonelosers.org

www.customerssuck.com

My ever-expanding waistline

I am mad. Really hopping mad. At my waistline. Yup, something in my control. So, I go to wear pants today. I go to put on pants. Pants go on just fine. I go to zip up and button pants and this turns out to be a major task-more impossible than stealing candy from a baby. I never got into said pants. Now, I am filled with rage because I can't fit into pants and feel this craziness festering inside of me and I want to knock over a convenience store or something.

Unnecessary worry

Whenever I use the stove/oven, I know I left this on.

I worry that someone at work will kill my fish by knocking it over, or just plain eating him when they get hungry.

I worry that I will eat all of my food up before we go grocery shopping again.

I worry the cat will piss on my down conforter, so I don't use it. And if I do, I keep my door closed.

That's all for now.

My life as it relates to a cheeseburger.

the bun is moist and soft, just like my waistline. yup, that's gross. i am a conglomeration of condiments and processed meat on covered in big mac sauce. there are tomato slices which like many of my ideas, spoil unless acted swiftly upon. The lettuce is good for you, but it is crunchy and tasteless-like some of the things I've said and done, and on par with my functioning capability early in the morning. The beef is fast food restaurant style-not grade A or Angus, but definately not grade F. The pickles are a little bitter, kind of like my self esteem and paying the consequences for my bad decisions. Onions add to the whole experience, but naturally come with smell, as do my feet. Ketchup (catsup really infuriates me-it is a man made product, so let's go with the made up name-not the one that looks real) reiterates the tomato, and beats a dead horse. But ketchup and tomato are not the same. They are different. Okay, that is how my life relates to a cheeseburger.

20 Thoughts for getting through any crisis.

1. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a geniune lack of preparation.

4. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

5. The facts, althought interesting, are irrelevant.

6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

10. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

12. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

13. Ther is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

17. One seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

18. By the time you make ends meet, the ends have moved.

19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

skipping stones/kidney stone #1-defeated

So, we all know by now I got the kidney stones. If you are lucky, you've heard about Dr Volvo and his pottymouth-Yes, he did say to me "So tonight, when you are f*****g some hooker and you can't nut, I don't want to get a call in the middle of the night cussing me out..."

Anycrap, stone 1 moved naturally down to my bladder and has been pressing on it for the last week. I pee every hour or so. Yeah, it sucks. So this morning, I get up to pee and I am in the bathroom. I start to urinate, and notice my pressure is off-so I use those kegel exercises to contract my bladder and increase pressure and then I get this odd sensation as the stone is exiting my body and I said"that's not right", and then I heard pa ting ting ting! and then said "that's definately not right" as the stone ricochets off the sides of the toilet.

So, I go online to yahoo images to look at kidney stones and make sure that's what I just passed-not some fossilized barbie shoe or something that my cousin has been missing for 20+ years. It is a kidney stone-and looks like a minature coral reef or something. Yup.

Damn. Sometimes I swear that I must be retarded.

?

Working the weekend sucks.

I don't know how you could have a good weekend, if you are working. Well, I did this in college so at least I only have to do this once a month now. Anycrap, it could be viewed as good-I am staying out of trouble (I AM NOT LOOKING AT PORN ON THE INTERNET) and I am not out knocking over a liquor store, so ?

The more I think and type, the more my head tilts like Forest Gump and his son. Dang

Weird Dream

Adam Campen, Laura and I are standing in the yard of this house from children of the corn and it is pitch black. Laura gets my attention, and tells me to look across the field. There is a cop car hiding in the middle of the corn field, so I decide not to get rid of the gun.

We turn around and walk across the street and are suddenly in a residential neighborhood. We climb the bush infested enbankment of someone's front yard. I wipe the prints off the gun, and hide it under a plant. We go in the house.

I go to the bathroom and when I come back, Hayride John is there. He is wearing this hideous Pink/orange shirt and pants and glaring at me. Laura and Adam are on opposite sides of the room staring at cobwebs or whatever, so they don't have to talk to John.

"Where is the murder weapon?" he asks me-I know he is asking me because I can't get away with lying. I can't even tell a bad lie. So, I respond with "the murder weapon is not a gun, and it is definately not in the front yard."

There are two cops in the doorway; they are dressed as drummer boys/nutcrackers with all black except for the black cherry leather vests. John tells me that I am not in trouble, the cops can check the finger prints off of the gun. I tell him they can't because I wiped them off.

The dream ends with me telling him that "We can't be responsible for the murder because we don't know who was murdered and don't know where the body is." And then it ends with everyone being completely satisfied with that answer as proof of our innocence.

Hayride is over

It's now November and the Hayride is over. That sucks. It seems that one time a year, we all come together and have some fun and then bam it's over. Yup. I got to do everything this year-even parking lot when I killed my back. I worked on the hayride and in scream forest with the kids. I feel really old at times. I devised a plan to protect L'Aura from Dustin-it was suppossed to be done by both Little and Big Jeremy-when L'Aura said "It's go time Jeremy"and they would surround him and just start asking him questions and not give him a chance to answer. Big Jeremy didn't go for it. But Little Jeremy answered the call, and from what I hear it was funny as can be.

Will anything go right?

I am sitting here with a pressurized system-I ate Hooter's 911 hot wings earlier and am paying for it now. I did not know I was THIS damned old that this would be happening to me. The last time I had a stomach that hurt this bad was sometime during being 21 where I got smashed and ate HOT BANANNA PEPPERS and then had some BIRTHDAY CAKE.

I WISH that something would go right and good for me sometime. Atleast I've got my health, and all the problems associated with that.

Trying to make this friday night pass while here at work

One thing I don't mind about working this job is the fact that I am trapped to a desk every Friday night til midnight. A few years ago, this would not have even been possible. Me, at work on a friday night? Bahaha. Yet I am perfectly fine. Well, this last hour is draging so I am going to have some coffee. Tomorrow, we go to the mall dressed up as Zombies and walk around and moan while pretending to be dead and scare the yuppies back to their bmws and range rovers.

My boss snuck up behind me and startled the crap out of me. And I am suppossed to be the one who jumps out of the woods to scare people.

Woodrow Wilson Class of 1996, Beckley WV

I just found this interesting link and am checking up on people I know.
http://www.wwhsalumni.org/1996.html

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Beckley, WVDate: Monday, June 14, 2004Comments: Has anyone heard anything about our 10yr class reunion? I'm looking forward to seeing everybody again. I decided to buy a Chevy Tahoe instead of the Blazer...so if ya still live in Beckley and your windows rattle from the stereo of a Gold SUV with a chrome brushguard with a skull & crossbones on the front license plate...it's me you're cussin'!!! I hope everyone "I like" is doin good in life....and i still haven't heard from Amber McFarland, so if anybody sees her tell her to email me.....take care....and keep your ears open for my band...."White Noise"

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Bradley, WVDate: Friday, March 05, 2004Comments: Hello again people! Well, let's see....I was robbed and shot in a Days Inn Hotel back in August 2000 with my fiance' Cassie Everhart (the one i messed it up with!! She took me back after months of begging and pleading). We sued the hotel and we just came back from Southern Pines, NC today from settling the case. We got quite a hefty sum of money which we'll have in about 20 days from now. I'm buying a new ZR-2 Blazer and a crotch rocket right off the bat. The rest will go to my education. I've decided to get my Bachelor of Science Degree in "Multimedia Software Programming and Video Game Design." I'm soo looking forward to it. Cassie and I are getting married outdoors this September. We're then moving to Denver, CO to get our educations there. She wants to be a Veterinarian. I hope all of you are doing well.....by the way, if anyone sees or hears from Amber McFarland, tell her i would love to talk with her online or over the phone or whatever...i'd love to know how she's doing...... I'll fill ya in on the Trials & Tribulations of the infamous Justin Elswick as they occur !LMAO!

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Prosperity, WVDate: Friday, August 22, 2003Comments: Well....let's see...i always figured i was voted most likely to do time in prison...well....i did!!! Just got out last December 1st 2002...for the 2nd time. I'm living back at home now. I own my own business. "Smoother Audio and Video Production & PC Repair", and i'm about to own a second business within the next few months. I learned how to fix computers while doing time locked up, so i guess it was all for the best..even though i can't say i learned any lessons from it really. I'm still up to no good...as always. I just bought a new truck. Big jacked up red Chevy pickup. I'm all tattooed up now....and not finished either! I was with a great girl...Cassie Everhart for like 7yrs, engaged and everything...till i messed it all up with this lil ho named Heather Buzminsky!!! What a mistake that was. Now i'm in search again for a good girl with her head on straight...or at least as straight as mine. I'd love to hear from any of you who wanna contact me....unless it's to run your mouth....than just come and see me and i'll fix that for you too!!!! Well......write me and i'll write ya back!!!!Justin

Squirrels on Crack and bird spitting

Saturday, I came out of Pizza Hut and when I came around the corner, I spit up some gob of stuff. I didn't expect anything to move, just to hear a splat. Something moved, so I glanced down to see what it was. Unfortunately, There is this baby bird on the sidewalk trying to shake the gob of crap that some giant @$$ just spit on him. I learned that from now on, I must look where I am going to spit.

Squirrels on crack
Oct 7 2005
South London Press

NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes.
The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.
Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts.
Story continues

But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets.
Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night.
Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics.
The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction. One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press.
"I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.
"An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.
"It looked like it knew what it was looking for.
"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.
"It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."
Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US.
They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.
The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.
An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.

http://icsouthlondon.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0400lambeth/tm_objectid=16217629&method=full&siteid=50100&headline=squirrels-on-crack-name_page.html

Newsworthy interest

March.02.04 : Tuesday
A freaking rooster!Dechardonae Gaines, 2, was toddling down the sidewalk Monday lugging her Easy Bake Oven when she became the victim in one of the weirder animal attack cases police can recall.In the cluster of beige houses at Lime Street and Safford Avenue where Dechardonae lives, man and chicken have coexisted peacefully for years in quiet defiance of city ordinance.That ended Monday afternoon, when authorities apprehended the offending rooster, named Rockadoodle Two, and its sister, named Hen. Hen was not involved in the attack, police said.

http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=1184

Guys and girls

Guy: I'd go through anything for u
Gurl: Good lets start with ur bank acount

Guy: Hey, c'mon, we're both here at the bar for the same reason
Gurl: Yeah lets go pick up some chicks

Guy: Havent i seen u some place before?
Gurl: Yes thats y i dont go there anymore

Guy: Ur place or mine
Gurl: Both u go to urs and ill go to mine

Guy: Is this seat empty?
Gurl: Yes and this one will be if u sit down

Guy: So what do u do for living
Gurl: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: Hey baby whats ur sign
Gurl: Do not enter

Guy: I would go to the end of the world 4 u
Gurl: But would u stay there

Guy: If i saw u naked i'd be happy
Gurl: If i saw u naked i"d be laughing

Guy: I want to give myself to u
Gurl: Sorry i dont accept cheap gifts

Guy: I know how to please a women
Gurl: Then go the hell away from me

Guy: Whats ur phone ..
Gurl: Its in a phone book

Guy: But I dont know ur name
Gurl: Thats also in a phone book

Outsourcing to India

So, due to the nature of my work, I speak with a discount travel service provider that begins with a vowel's customer service representatives frequently. Now, one thing I've noticed is they usually have an Indian or Middle Eastern accent. Just this evening, while talking to "Pete" who sounds like a guy I know named Muhanned, I realized that everyone I've ever talked to at (company in question) who has a heavy Middle Eastern accent has some super swell, apple pie name like Suzy or Tom or Bob or Jane. Not once have I talked with Samir, Rajmal or Habib. I guess that an enterprizing company such as (company in question) knows its US customers might be a bit sore about outsourcing to the Middle east, so they renamed everyone there so you wouldn't feel that bad when you couldn't understand what Suzy was saying because he accent was so thick you were sure she had stopped speaking English, and was now speaking Farsey or Arabic.

DRAMA! (Not the class from high school)

MY MOTHER HAS LOST HER MIND. MORE THAN BEFORE. She called me up this weekend screaming that she has no internet and that she cancelled Florida. (apparently she was suppossed to go on vacation or something, but due to unnecessary anger her ability to communicate was eliminated and ended up telling me she cancelled an entire state. At this time, Laura brought up the idea that this was not necessary, as Louisianna had just been "cancelled"). Blah blah blah no internet service......blah blah blah something about somebody......blah blah blah.......

About a minute into this, I screamed back that she needed to get a gun and just start takin people out. Then, she had to go. She told me she'd call then next day, but she didn't.

My first fear

I learned to swim from a woman who would later, on a different side of town, be my 4th grade teacher. I learned to swim at Lakeside Swim and Racquet club near Moody Middle. The pools were situated in the middle of a residential neighborhood. Everything was outdoors, outside and open to the elements. The pools shallow ends were 3 feet in the adult pools, and had stairs and a metal handrail that lead down into the pool. I do remember being afraid to jump in the pool even though I knew my dad would catch me and that the water was only 4 feet deep. I don’t know why I was so (?) to just jump in and swim. I remember in my swimming lesson that we used kickboards, and these styrocrap items gave me complete confidence in swimming the length of the pool. Yet, I dare consider swimming the length of the pool without one. I was sure this was not possible. Soon, some wise a$$ took my kickboard away from me. I did not like this. Thank you dad. I am thinking this is the summer I learned to ride a bike as well. All’s good, right?
My dad was going to school at VCU at this time, as was my mother. Someone’s bright idea was to take me swimming with my dad at the Franklin St. gym. I remember going with my dad and putting on my swim trunks. I remember being totally confused that we were putting our swim trunks on inside. I did not believe there was a pool in the basement of the building like my dad told me. The only time I’ve ever seen anything pool like was in an aquarium. I just went along with being a stupid kid and humored him. We walk into this hallway that has all of these little 1 inch square tiles that are an aqua blue color. I am in awe. I have never been anywhere like this. At this point, I am not entirely sure that there is not a pool in the basement of this building. The hallway opens into a giant room that is the size of a gym, only bigger: complete with the 20 ft tall ceiling. And yes-there is a giant pool here that literally is the size of the room, except for the outer edge to walk around. The room is dim-there doesn’t seem to be any natural light in there. We put down our towels and my dad jumps in to the shallow end: which is 5 feet deep. An older man gets out of the pool, and there is a cane with an arm grip at the top for him to slide his arm in. The man has no right foot, and his leg is missing from below the knee. The end is rounded off. I recall this like the man threw his amputated leg in my face and made me touch the rounded edge as I cried my a$$ off. Now this did not happen, I am just surprised it didn’t. I don’t notice anyone else here.
I might have started freaking out when my dad told me to jump in to him. Let’s see I’ve never seen NO pool in a building, it’s kinda dark in here (apparently I had major objections to the fact that we were NOT outside), the shallow end is 5 feet deep so you know the deep end is 50 feet deep because you’re a kid and you’re not stupid and you know that in deep water that’s 50 feet deep there are animals living because you saw that at the Baltimore Aquarium just 2 weeks ago and you are sure as hell not jumping in that pool with sharks in it, and I am not going to be dumb like the man who got his leg eaten off in the pool some time ago who doesn’t know any better than to find a different pool to swim at, and my poor dad who is about to lose his leg or get eaten completely.
I am not sure if my father ever coaxed me into that pool that I was sure had sharks and other sea animals in it, or not. About 15 years later, I was back at this same pool getting my Red Cross Lifeguard certification. I was also told at this point that my uncle Geoff had a friend that broke into this pool, and drowned. (I am not sure about this-guess the source). I did wonder about this when I was doing my training here. That may be ironic if it was true-teaching life guarding in a pool where someone drowned because there was no life guard on duty when some young guys broke into the building many years ago. By the way, the pool is only about 15 feet deep or so, but to a small young kid 5 feet can be intimidating when you are a tiny runt. And, no there are no sharks or other sea animals that live in the deep end of the pool in the Franklin St gym.

*

Mindless slobs
working jobs
where they have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea
of what's going on.

How do I know?

Because I am ONE of those
mindless slobs
working jobs
where I have SOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEE idea
of what's going on.

Human bowling

My CT scan was negative, which is positive. I went in, filled out a crapload of paperwork-the lady verified my West Virginia address from when I was 15 (?) and then I went from one waiting room to another. I sat there, and then they called my name as well as another at the same time. I became light-headed and almost took out a bunch of old people. So, the nurse all "OH JESUS SWEET JESUS NO JESUS"ed out on me and ran off to get a wheelchair. Now, I don't remember wheelchairing-except for that one night in on Grace St (@VCU) in an apartment building with a black and white checkered floor after Justin, Olga, Chris and I had drank waaaaaay too much. (Breathe) So anycrap, they put me in this machine and it sounds like that movie CONTACT with the girl that was a detective in the movie about the guy who ate people and wore their flesh-oh yeah, Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs and I had to close my eyes cuz I was getting scared and didn't want to have any sh*##y nightmares about getting stuck in a machine.

After this, Will and Alex and their baby Sara met up at our place. We went to the memorial service. I am glad I went. I got to pay my respects and see people from my old life. Half of my fraternity was there. Then there were the ladies. Yeah, they all still looked the similar, but now a little more grown up. Even the girl that poured an entire cup of keg beer over me was there-we were civil and I guess have made peace. The ceremony was beautiful-I am glad that I went. I am glad that I got to be in this woman's life, even if just for a season. I am saddened by the fact that out of everyone I know, she was one of TWO highly accomplished people (the other is DR RUSSELL) and that she was still studying. It's just not fair.

Cynical side of customer service.

I am tired of whiny voices.
I am tired of stupid travel agents.
I am over people not reading terms and conditions.
I am over people yelling at me cuz their claim is denied cuz they are stupid.

I have been becoming increasingly hostile towards stupid people.
I have become a mini lawyer-getting specific about the technicalities.
I have become a bit cynical towards rude people.
I have become untolerant of ignorant people.

How are you going to call and yell at me for your stupid mistakes?
How are you going to tell me the information before my eyes is wrong?
How are you going to tell me that I am wrong?
How are you going to tell me "that's not the way it happened..."

I enjoy telling people why their claim was denied.
I enjoy reading from the terms/cond why its NOT covered.
I enjoy putting people in their place when they are dumb.
I enjoy arguing with people who are above the terms and conditions.

I would miss it if I got canned.
I would miss the opportunity to move within the company.
I would miss the compensation for duties performed.
I would miss some of the people here.

My problem with inanimate objects.

I've been having problems with inanimate objects lately. No, not like walls jumping out at me and grabbing my wallet. Problems like alarm clocks being possessed by rick james or dead music gods, problems like a toilet that thinks it's in a marathon, problems like a mailbox that didn't want to close. I am tired, so tired of stupid crap of stupid stuff of socks that have holes in them from who knows where and am thinking about stealing a car and going to California. (Where the whole state is an animate object, and it will fall into the ocean as soon as I get there. ) I've got a lot to do-I've got a catscan and a funeral to go to.

Suburban honkey psychosomatic issues....

Let's try to find out the source of my headaches. I think they are psychosomatic. So I went out to the Hayride this weekend and worked until I became high and got annoying due to the epoxy fumes. It's that time of year again, time to scare the little childern and all the adults with them. I am starting to work at Pizza Hut again, and have no clue why. I think it is because its right outside my back door and I can earn some extra money. Then there is the real job, which I am about to get back into the swing of. Rachel now works with the stupid people who call during the morning hours instead of the idiots who call at night. Melissa is now in claims, but her desk is not moving. That girl that I had a problem with has moved to claims, and they got her a desk. I tried to "make friends" with her or whatever, but that wasn't going to happen, and that was her take on it. MY THOUGHTS THE WHOLE THING- after trying to be civil, I started to stew-I'm not the one who stepped out of line/acted out of character/said something I probably shouldn't have-I asked to move when she started wispering behind my back to the other side of the department. Now, She gets to move to the department I want to go to (claims) and I can't because I've got things in my file (that were false, yet brought to management's attention by a certain individual who will remain nameless who I am DEFINATELY speaking about right now) and now I can't move ANYWHERE in this company until I've been here a year due to things in my file that are petty. Yet the person who informed management of these "things" is moving up the corporate ladder, getting a raise and going to the department I wanted to move to. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
The voices in my head are not helping my headache. And I am thinking about an ex of mine now that I've heard she's pregnant and just wanted to call/drop a line and apologize for being a self-centered bastard during our relationship. I'm not trying to get back with her or anything along those lines, I've just realized over the past few months how much of an ass I was and how I made her life miserable due to my problems my issues my need for control. Arrgg I hate having issues. Welcome to Ian's Suburban Problems. Today's problem with being a cracker is............

Being scarred. (As found on the internet)

But people love to be scared and they will hit these flicks even for one or two moments of terror, and as I said already, that is a subjective thing. To some, terror is a demonic spirit haunting a house. To others, it's being trapped in a restroom in a Juarez bar with a crusty, ham-handed, syphilitic circus clown. To Macauley Culkin, terror is those recurring dreams recalling long nights spent in the hot tub at Neverland with Jacko, Bubbles the chimp and Corey Feldman.

http://shakingthrough.net/clemenza/reviews/2005/amityville_horror_2005.html

My plant at work

So I bought this plant at Walmart for my desk. I noticed a month after I got it that the leaves were starting to fall off of it. Maybe my plant committed suicide. Apparently there is a lot of negativity at my desk or something. Then I find out that you can kill a plant by over-watering it. So, a month later there are almost no leaves. So, I pluck all the leaves off, and trim it down to some weird NINE INCH NAILS plant with just stems and no leaves; I stop watering it-essentially waiting for it to die.

Then the leaves start to grow. So I talk pretty to the plant and try not to curse people out while at work. I sang to it one day. Someone says they saw me making out with it one day, but I am sure that these are lies. So, we will give it a few days and wait a few days to see if the plant dies or thrives.

Vagueness

You remember that movie with the guy that wore the shirt that said that thing?

Have you seen that thing I was using earlier?

What is that?

Where is it?

My alarm clock.

Every morning, I wake up to different music. I mean different music every morning. R&B one morning, muzak the next. I'll probably wake up to 80's pop tomorrow. It's very odd, and I find it a bit unsettling. Not utterly disturbed, just confused. I mean one day it's Jay Z and the next it's Beethoven. Then, the next day Air Supply and the next morning it's Rage Against the Machine. I dunno what it's going to be. I find myself staring at the thing before I even hit the snooze bar in a stupor due to the sheer and utter surprise of what is playing. Now, it's one of those radios with a dial that you turn to get the station, nothing digital. Yet, I don't know really what channel I am ever listening to. It's a bit odd. I wonder if Laura is changing my radio station every night, or if my radio is possessed by dead rock stars or something. Hmm.

Swedish meatballs and the people I know.

I really want a turbocharged Saab real bad. With a sunroof (if it's not a convertible) and some mutha%*&#en leather seats. Maybe a Volvo will do, but probably not. Yeah. I also want a Suzuki motorcycle really bad. I want them so bad I can taste it. It's not like I could actually drive it right now, but just having it would be nice. (I'm not materialistic at all-no siree).

I am gonna miss Rachel. She is moving to the day shift. That means we only get to play together for 1 hour everyday at school. :( Poop. I am gonna miss her. There will never be anyone like her to help me yell at the customers and let them know how dumb they are. We will continue to give the same quality customer service to each and every customer, just on different shifts.

Sean and Johnny and everyone else moved away, so there must have been a foul and mysterious odor.

Laura got me a pedicure today. I am surprised the woman would touch my feet. She scraped off like 40 layers of stuff. I've never had a pedicure before, and probably would never have gotten one-but Laura insisted. My feet are so clean and actually look decent, not like feet.

Ignant f*cks

Well, I am sitting in business class on the train right now and there is a beautiful blond who just stripped off her pants in front of me (damn she’s wearing shorts, and no is wasn’t for me) but I am on my way home from my Uncle’s funeral. It was a great ceremony, but I wanted to see him actually buried. Bill didn’t think we’d have time to get me back to the train, but I did end up sitting in the lobby for 2 ½ hours. We are entering Union Station right now-HEY ADAM! So, I didn’t get to see him actually put in the ground, but the service was nice and we had some chicken at the reception. (That blond is now on the phone and talking about her bodyguard-must be invisible, I sure as shit don’t see him-I thing that she is one of thoses people who talks on cell phones so the people around her KNOW how important she is.) So, I didn’t get to see him put into the ground, and that is really infuriating. Wow, everybody sure gets the fuck off this train here in DC.
(Sit the f*ck down and stop walking the isle grandpa). So this weekend started on a train going to the beach. I went to the music festival and there were minimal problems. I went with my mother who apparently was traveling with the Washington DC ski club, which is a group of annoying whiny alcoholics. The act as if they are high schoolers trapped in the bodies of 50(+) year olds. They are probably nice people but you know how one can ruin it for everyone. She was almost 60 and had jet black hair cut in the same fashion as I did when I was 7. She wore a visor and screamed from the balcony at every opportunity that presented itself. I will admit, It is kind of amusing to watch a grown woman that you are not related to make a complete ass of herself and almost plummet 4 stories or so to her demise. Unfortunately, this did not happen. But Suzanne was an annoying f*ck, I must say.
I woke up Sunday morning at 8am. Not out of choice, but due to the concert that was going on down the block. Apparently, the ROCK & ROLL ½ Marathon was taking place right outside our door. Now, We were staying at this place called the Flagship that is 6 levels of motels all connected by a balcony on each floor. I get up and there are people running down the street. At 8 in the morning. To live rock that is going on a block down from my hotel. Great. Something good did occur on Sunday though, and a family friend brought it to someone’s attention that they may have a problem. An improteau intervention, you might say. All in all, it couldn’t have gone better if it had been planned. (I swear the conductor just said Assland was one of the stops;the way that all of us are looking around, I am sure I am not the only one who heard it.)
I saw Leann Rimes, and saw Journey. I was the youngest person at the Journey concert who knew the words. Sad but true. The kids there who were younger than me were just there to get drunk as it turns out. I wasn’t. Wow, the sun sure does reflect off of the Potomac River. I am blind. I can still type. Even with this giant fucking blister on my middle finger. (Grandpa is doing laps again, now with grandma. Isn’t that cute? I thought they got thrown off the train a while ago.)
Somebody get the f*cking retard out of the deep end. Monday morning, I got woken up to yelping from the parking lot. I was sure it was a drunk from the ski club, but no. Apparently, A family was staying at the same hotel, and decided to go for a dip in the pool, complete with their mentally retarded family member. I would say child, but this "person" looked like they were in their 40’s. Apparently, the fat kid was playing shark and trying to pull the man into the deep end. This in turn caused the man to start yelping. Yes, Yelping. Sounding like some friggin baby seals getting clubbed. And with him facing the motel directly, his yelps echoed. Not to be funny, but it sounded like Sloth from the Goonies. So, I started to think about this for the next 30 minutes while I watched the cruel fat kid torture his brother or whatever. Yeah, I probably would have done it too.
About this time, I realize how cynical I’ve become. At work, at school, at play. Okay, there is no school, but who the f*ck knows that-I am actually considering going back in a year or two and possibly getting my masters. I was talking about this the other day with someone at work, and the same thing was said. I am trying to get ahead, but while in the slow day to day routine, I lose my patience. This is not good, dear patient boy. I think a golf cart just ran into the side of the train outside of my window. Yeah, they are here for grandma and grandpa-apparently, she’s got a hip off or something. Do they ever do the windows on these trains? Just water spotting on every window of every train. I’ve come to realize that I hate Richmond. There are some decent people here that I spend my time with, and there are some decent people here that I’ve not gotten the chance to meet yet. And, yes there are some deceitful/arrogant/snobby/needs to wash their ass people too. The people are not the problem, it is the area as a whole. Take these people elsewhere and I am sure that the assholes here might change their perspective. But probably still remain assholes. I think the major problem with Richmond is not anything in the physical location of Richmond or its periphery. My problem with Richmond is within me. I got about 2 years left here tops. Anything more and you’ll see me on the news for going on some bender, knocking over a liquor store, and mowing down a few cops with a stolen car before driving through a mall. Which is another thing wrong with Richmond-the damned cops. I can’t go anywhere without being pulled if a cop gets behind me-even when I am not doing anything wrong. And when I am involved in a car accident, cracker lady cop (who did look good, so that explains why she was a bitch) catches an attitude with me and asks if I "NEED TO BE RESCUED." Yeah, I need some mouth to *#$& resuscitation-can you handle it? Damn, this place sucks bad and I need out. I’ve lived here all of my life except for 2 years in WV, 2 years in Newport News/Lee Hall and a year in Mclean. (Woodbridge/Occuocon Marina looks nice from here) I went to middle school 2 blocks from where I currently live. I shop at the same Walmart I did when I went to middle school. I look out the front window of our apartment into a parking lot of a former department store (now church) where my parents had the fight that ended the marriage. I must get out of here, but there are a few things that keep me rooted. My friends, My family, and my job (hey, there are 2 deer). Yet, I don’t want to leave my job. I do want to transfer to another department or another position with my department, but at this time I am fine with my current position. I might even be happy at the beach.

This week sucked.

I got rear ended while selling my Accord on Sunday while en route to get a money order. The cop asked if everyone was okay. I said that my neck hurt and the cop all caught an attitude with me and asked "DO YOU NEED TO BE RESCUED?" Maybe I did need to be rescued from her. So, I stood there, unaware I was standing next to the exhaust, getting all stupid lightheaded. OLD MAN who hit us stated, "It's my birthday. I was going out for ice cream and my foot slipped." (We were not in the Accord during this time, but the guy's van).

My Uncle/Godfather died. His health has been getting bad, but I didn't expect him to pass. His legs were leaking last week and he passed Sunday night. I get to go to his funeral in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. That means that I have 2 hours from the time I get out of work Monday Night to get to the Train station where I will ride for 6 hours to get to Pennsylvania at 9ish, when the funeral is at 11 am.

Apparently, we have people that were in New Orleans. Or were in New Orleans. They lost everything, like many of the people I've been talking to at work calling in. This is rough and this sux. I can't believe this crap is going on-Sure a big @$$ tv is nice, but where you gonna put it? YOU AIN'T GOT A HOUSE, or nowhere to plug it in. It's just f*#$in nuts.

What is next?

Pumpkin time is near

HOLY CRAPPINS HOW I LOVE FALL! I think that fall has always been my favorite season; I like the winter and the solemnity(?) of the snow and the cold air and wearing jackets and drinking cocoa and all, but I think fall is the greatest season. One thing I remember from being a kid was going to the mountains and driving down SKYLINE Dr/Blue Ridge Parkway looking at the yellow red and orange leaves. I remember also the smell of pumpkin throughout my grandmother's house when she used to make her pumpkin pies. As the month progresses, the days grow darker and a bit chillier and everywhere you walk (memories of living in the fan) the leaves swish beneath your feet, making a specific sound that lets you know that it is Fall.

Pissed off Russians and credit card dispute....

Russians are angry. Their language sounds vulgar as can be and they are always yelling, so they always sound pissed. Even if they are just calling to get a policy #. Listen to them-they sound like devil worshipping New Yorkers.

And the lazy Americans....make purchases with their credit cards and then when they don't recognize the name, they DISPUTE the charges. Too lazy to remember what you bought from where? DISPUTE THOSE CHARGES. Don't have time to read those terms and conditions. Remember that rules don't apply to you and DISPUTE that charge you made. SO BE LAZY AND IGNORANT AND DON"T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR DECISIONS, and when it doesn't work out DISPUTE the charges and pretend it never happened. If mean if Dorothy can click her heels three times.....

Who's Pickin the chicken?

I am wanting to go ahead and call up the place I work at and talk with Rachel. I am watching some movie my dad gave us called KOYa something and there are no charactors or anything. Just semi-classical music and video of old vacant apartment buildings and other parts of the world. Weird. So, people are calling about my Accord, and one guy came and looked at it yesterday. Someguy wants to come and look at it tomorrow. Apparently, people are not all that interested in Honda Accords that have all the miles in the world. Yeah, I dunno either. Now, the buildings in the movie are being leveled. They are falling to the ground crazy like. Anycrap, I am trying to do all of these things like sell my damned car and sell my legos, post my resume I just completed online as well as the ad to sell my snowboard and all this other crap, and then all I can thing about is pranking my friend Rachel. Woah, this movie has no f#*king point whatsoever. Hmm. And the be all end all of infurion is that I can’t find my damned Kings Dominion season pass. It probably costs $50 bucks to get a new one, and I just want to go one more time and sure as hell don’t want to pay $50 or so for that, knowing I will find it as soon as I fork over the cash. Well, I gotta go…there is some Mexican guy coming to look at my car. Hey, the music in this movie has now changed to the music from clockwork orange. This is super odd.
(20 minutes later)
The guy is on his way to come and look at the car, and the guy who looked at it yesterday just called to tell me he wanted to come and look at again, and that he was planning to bring the money. May, this movie is weird. No point, yet there is a point. Oh, I am nervous and need to get this damn car sold.
(15 minutes later)
So, this guy hasn’t called yet and I look out my window, and there are 4 Mexicans leaning against the Accord. Huh? Yeah. We drive around the neighborhood, and the guys are speaking in Spanish and we left the girl at the damned bodega. No place but on my lap sweetheart, and that wasn’t going to happen cuz we can’t speak to each other. So they, as a collective group, are interested in the car. They are going to get money to buy the car with, and the other guy is waiting to see if the car is sold. And, viola people are bidding highest bidder for the damn thing. The fist one with a money order wins a lovely (that’s going a bit far)….well, an Accord.

People

Sometimes you meet people that just make you want to rip off their arms and beat them with them. "I hope these bastards didn't lay eggs" is the only thing running through your head the entire time that you are talking with them. This is many of the people I talk to while at work. "No, I don't need to do that because (insert bogus reason here). Who does (rule that person did not follow) anyway? This insurance is a scam."

People are quick to tell you that you are scamming them when you are dealing with their money. I worked in a bank for about a minute, and how about people really Jekyl and Hyde when you bring their money into the situation. True, many of them are stupid idiots who should not be given money in the first place, but we really can't stop anyone from giving them money and contributing to the delinquency of an idiot. If we did, then the united states would be in a world of hurt.

Idiots are fun though. Throw common sense out the window, and apply drunken logic. "Well, I have to cancel my trip because of medical reasons." Having mental problems and becoming afraid of planes on your travel day is not a medical reason. It is a mental reason and you are a f*#&up.

Now, when I answer the phone I say thank you for calling (company name). Three forths of the people who have policies with our company don't have their policy numbers, and 2/3 of them have no clue what their policy number is, and then half of them don't know what the f#&* a policy # is. Sorry about the confusion, I am currently talking with a *Special* person right now. "Oh what do you mean this isn't (Company X)?" I always bite my tongue as I refrain from saying something along the lines of "if this was (company X), I probably would have answered the phone as (company X). If you'd take your head out of your @$$ for just a moment and listen.....

Something ain't right in the neighborhood

Mr Rogers is a sick man. I watched the show today; Laura told me that the cat is fasinated by Mr Rogers. So, we watched. Actually, I watched. The cat could have given 2 s#8ts about Mr Rogers.

There is so much anger festering in Mr Rogers that it's scary. He is blatantly pissed at having a crappy job and was grinding his teeth during half of the song he was singing about wanting to be my friend. His use of the word special was so frequent, I am sure that if we were friends he would try to touch me in my special place where my bathing suit covers.
And how about the anger is just overflowing and I know they are going to find his basement filled with dead little boys.

Watch this show. I always thought it was lame and that something was was wrong. I didn't know what it is. I still can't put my finger on it. Take 30 minutes and watch the show. I couldn't make it even 10 minutes and let me know what you think.

Thursday posing as a Monday.

I should have realized today was going to suck when I answered the phone and found out Laura's car was on fire. Then, I go to do some Laundry and the hose came off and covered the floor in water right before leaving. And now, I am sitting here at work with GAS. Yup, and I can't just let them rip because there are people all around me. As there have been for the last 4 hours and 49 minutes. And people will be here for the next hour and 41 minutes. When everyone leaves, I am going to probably let one rip that has so much pressure that I'll surely get ejected from the chair. (I hope I don't fly through the air and hit a wall and get knocked the f*$% out....)

Gansta Accord and Easy Bake Ovens

So, yesterday this woman called and her son's dog died while she was visiting her son. The son wanted to bury the dog, and it home was in Georgia. So, mumma was going to take the dead dog from Las Vegas back home to Georgia. Mumma is at the airport, and her plane is delayed by bad weather and will not be flying til the next day. So, there is a lady in the airport with a dead dog in a cooler with ice over top of him....

Alex and I were reading the paper a few years ago, and I looked at my favorite part: News of the Weird. Now, the story that caught our eye was that this 4 year old girl was walking down the street dragging her Easy Bake Oven by the cord when she got attacked by a rooster or chicken or something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I will find out in a few days. I wonder how that little girl is doing.

Jason got his car back. Laura and I called the police and filed a report, and then I get this call from Jason. He and a friend went to a random convenience store, and saw a white Bonneville. Jason looked at the plates and realized this was his car. At this point, they followed the car and called the police. That is how Jason got his car back. Way to go with that fine detective work Henrico County. I didn't realize it was our job to find our stolen property and then call you to have you use your authority to recover the belongings. Yet, I can't drive anywhere without getting pulled if a cop is behind me....

I was going to pimp out the Accord. Va license "Gansta" :$26. Chrome ride spinner wheel covers: $40. Chopping off the roof with a chainsaw:$50. Driving a bling bling piece of ghetto cracktackular japanese rice: Priceless.

Excrement occurs. Then time washes it away. Just like the bodies in the harbor.

Another glorious day outside and I am at work. I am glad to be here yamotosan. I am glad not to be outside; I was outside earlier and it was as hot as Satan's scrotum out there. I can't wait til winter. I like it when it is as cold as a witches teet out there and I can cut glass with my nipples. Yup, It still looks hot outside. I do like watching the clouds outside. I just used to not even be still long enough to do so. Like I figured I would have time to watch clouds in my old age. Which is apparently what I am doing. (Imitation of Harry Cary as done by Will Ferrel starts) I am wondering if i stare at the clouds long enough if a puppy will jump out and scare me. I'd probably wet myself...

The Hayride

So, we get up at 10 this morning and go out to hang out with our friends who run the Creepy Hollow Hayride and see what is going on this year. Since I got this new job, I can only work on the weekends on the hayride because I work nights. So no more evil embalming doctor giving flu shots for me this year. John suggested a new character for me, and I really am digging it.

The fine art of Heckling...

Sometimes, you must express yourself. When driving. Or in my case when riding. It's fun to yell and scare the bejesus out of old ladies on the sidewalk and look out the back windows to see groceries flying all over the place. No, I've never done that.

Grand Theft Bonneville.

Last night, we were just trying to go to the movies. We almost got hit by a stolen car in the parking lot. It turns out that one of the pizza hut guys had his Bonneville taken. Then we almost get t boned by the same car. Then, we get to the movies and end up sitting next to the chatty mexicans. Laura ends up yelling something about sticking some shoes in someone's butt or something and the non english speaking guys shut up. As if on que, Chatty Kathy and her boyfriend sit down so that they can get comfortable for the play by play commentary they are about to give. And then the 3 girls decided to sit down in front of us. At one point, everyone around us was talking so I just burst out into full volume ranting about my life plans and crap. And then I found out I had the squeaky chair. I used that to my advantage, and I told Laura to scream at the f*#kers next to her. She declined. I squeaked and waived when Chatty Kathy looked over. I did the cough thing where you cough and say "Shut the F*#k up" thing. Then some tards threw a water balloon at me, but it did not burst. I picked it up and must have cut it with my talon, cuz it burst as I threw it. Oh the joys of living in the west end.

Some things to consider...

Now that I told a few people about my book, I really don't have a desire to write anymore....

I am tired of cleaning...I think I will just do that when it's time to move out.

I am a little tired of not winning the lottery....maybe I should buy a ticket.

I think I might be tired of something.

I wonder where I'm gonna live in 2 years.

I wonder what problem's I'll have in two years.

I'm tired of being this big. I think its time to get rid of the weight. I don't like my reflection in the mirror.

Zeul, What have you done with Mrs Anderson?

So, while sitting in court yesterday, my mom turns to me casually and announces to me that she is a mystic. My jaw must have dropped because she put her hand on my arm and told me it was all right. I know mom is out there, but this is just plane nuts. I have heard of mystics before, and know enough to know they are odd. "A what?" A mystic she repeats. She then explains this to me as being (yeah, with crap this crazy I got her to write this down so it’s documented) "a spiritual soul (or "type" of person) who lives transcendentally, by choice, in higher planes and who occasionally visits this world where the body lives, by necessity." I am not quick on wit, but all I can respond with is "Yes mother, I know. We’ve all known this for a while."
Personal parallel-I am wanting to switch lives with people I talk to on the phone. I have always wanted to switch lives with someone up to this point. With all this crap going on in my life, I am generally content with it. I have always wanted to switch souls with other people. Every day on the phone, there are at least 2 or 3 people I’d like to swap lifes with, even if just for the day. I am pretty sure though that I would come back to this body though. Of course, I’d like to switch with someone who has money and a valid license. I’d like to find out what it’s like to have to lug my boobs around all day. I’d like to find out what it’d be like to be a pilot. I wonder if anyone would even notice if their loved one was acting a little different for a day or two. I wonder What it would be like for them to live in my skin. I wonder if it would be possible to talk with them after switching and get and give some constructive critiicism.

There is no Mrs. Anderson, there is only Zeul.

I am having a crappy day. How abouts it's my grandfather's 82nd birthday, and I am a miserable sack at his birthday lunch. Outside of that, today is Hate on Whitey day. With the crap level of my day being so high, my tolerance for annoyance is uber low. I responded to a stupid question at lunch, and it wasn't the first one either. This shocked grandpapa, who chuckled at my retort. The underlying tone of the day is to climb out from the pile of s*#t that fell out of the sky and landed on me. And exterminate all of the a$$#*les.

Let me talk to your supervisor.....

Customers are idiots. Too good to follow the terms and conditions and when it doesn't go their way, they "Want to talk to YOUR supervisor right now." Unfornately, Ms Harris did not get to speak with my supervisor. She could only stay on hold for 10 minutes while my supervisor was on another call. That is sad.

Customers don't listen to you either. They just want to talk about what the fu*# ever and waste time. So I answer the phone "Thank you for calling ****. My name is Ian. May I have yours?" So many idiots, I mean customers are talking to someone else in the room and not paying any attention to the voice on the phone. "Oh, hello. What is the question?" Your name. That was a simple question. When they miss this first question, I know the call is going to be one of "those" calls. I am on the phone with this poor unprepared woman that is void of the slightest clue about her vacation. Arg....Idiots

Then there is this guy who got rear ended in his rental car. He tells me that we need to send an examiner out to look at the car. We don't do that. He has to file a claim, and in order to do that we have to send out claim forms, he has to fill them out and then send them in. "That's What I pay you for" is his response. So, there is a rental car sitting a lot in california collecting out of use charges because of some stupid old coger. How unfortunate.

Ever step in doggy fudge?

Or land in it? I brought this on myself.

Compulsiveness

I might be compulsive. Maybe. Probably. Okay, definately. I am trying to evacuate the clutter within my life. I am trying to sell off all my crap I don't need that I don't want anymore, but can't just throw it away. And some of my crap is collectible, dochaknow? Yeah. I wish some crackheads would come along and buy my bike so that I don't have to run into it every time I go in my bedroom. And then the crackheads would have a good bike to ride. They could pedal their crack farther than they do currently. Yeah. And they could buy all of my crazy car crap. Maybe $500 for the whole load of crap. Yeah, dochaknow?

MY WISH LIST IF ANYONE GIVES A F#$*

A Black Jeep Wrangler
A Suzuki Bandit
My student loans paid off
A cruise to the carribean
A home with lavish decor
To be 50-75 lbs lighter
To have my life straighten out
To have direction
To have savings
To have great health
To be able to contribute to other's well-being.

My unwish list
All the time I wasted drinking
all the time I wasted in college
all the money I wasted in fines and college
all the time I squandered where I could have gotten farther in my life
the family I might have had
the money I might have made
the car I might have bought from my job
the house I might have bought
my gut

I'm smiling on the inside

So, my buddy Sean is giving us a washer and dryer. This is really great and I am very excited about not having to go to the laundry matt ever again, and not have to wash stuff in my bathtub or use the old wash board down at the river. I really would like a truck.

Stolen Swingsets, Saturn sunroofs and super sweet situations.

I have been up forever so far today. It is too_____to_____ and I want to go home now. Some man called me and I swore he said something about stolen pants, so I connect him to Laura. Apparently, I did not listen to the customer that well because it must have been the individual before him that had, or didn't have, the stolen pants. Anycrap, Laura emails me that apparently somebody stole this poor man's swingset out of his yard and that is why he is calling. Yeah, I know I can't stop giggling about this now. As Laura said in the email, "Who didn't see that moving down the street suspiciously?" That's a great question. The other question is who in their right mind, or apparently not, would steal a swingset? I don't have anything to respond to this.

MY SUPER SWEET SATURN SL2's Sunroof Ceases to exist and that seriously sucks. $112$ I din't have to close the dang thing at the dealership and to have them tell me it needs new rails and that would cost $610 to fix. I'm glad I din't buy the car for that reason. It's all good. It's just like I have a giant non working window on the top of my car. Hmmm.

By the way, my word for the day is DIN"T. I din't break in your house and steal your toaster, I din't tell your sister she was ugly and then knock her up and I sure din't wrap your car around that telephone pole.

Jeckyll and Hyde

Sometimes I am a little on edge and people die. Then there is the rest of the time, but I am not suppossed to eat sugar, and you know what tastes good yeah sugar mmm sugar and i eat the candy and drink the soda and the next thing you know I am walking around the office half naked with gummy bears hanging out of all of my orifices. I am trying to sell my crap well not crap but my legos and some car models. I want to build a house that is like a ramp or something filled with giant skylights. I am a little hyper right now. I think I might go get some coffee. I am working on writing a book, so I have been slacking off with my journal. Bugs are pesky little suckers. Want to buy my legos? Have you ever realized how thoroughly refreshing and thirst quenching water is? Years have gone by, and I can only put gatorade up there. Hmm. I would like to design my own house so that I can design it just the way I want it. I am thirsty right now and could really go for some ice water. I would like vaulted ceilings, and numerous tall glass windows, etc. Like the office kinda. Does anybody remember Cleary Canadian? My favorite flavor was the Blackberry. Mmmm. Why don't travel agents know anything?

Stupid crackers.

Sometimes, ok frequently, white people annoy the crap out of me. Just being white and doing white people things really just pulls my finger or something. I mean I was up in the courthouse this morning, and some crackers were talking about how life was hard and all this crap and how they needed to go out and get real jobs. Background: these preppy honkey's were in court for wreckless (or wreckful?) driving in their green and white suvs that mommy and daddy bought them (Age around 21). The guy had just gotten back from vacationing with his "buds" in europe and the girl babysitted for 2 hours 2 times the whole summer and was whining about how life is so substandard sitting in drawing room looking out onto the bay all day and having that shiny Volvo in the driveway. Oh, it is so hard to be white. Patrick and Hannah are enduring so many problems and being so oppressed and white. Maybe they can take us out to brunch; they can pay with their credit card.

My CHALLENGED telephone.

I am at work. I have a customer calling to get ahold of an airline. I inform her she must call the airline directly, but that I can transfer her. Or at this time, at least I think I can. So customer is all"Oh boy you're gonna transfer me yay!" and I am all "Please hold as I transfer your call" and suddenly this procedure becomes impossible. I place the customer on hold and conference said airline and go to bring customer on the line, but this does not occur. So, I start the procedure over. No luck. Third time should be a charm. But it's not. Neither are the fourth time (which Is about the time I started laughing), the fifth, six or seventh time (which is about the time that Rachel started laughing), nor the eight or ninth time. During the ninth time, I just started pressing all the buttons. I figured that eventually, something good would happen. Eventually, It did. Said caller may have gotten disconnected and lost somewhere into a black hole, or just maybe to the place where Laura transferred the Portugeuse woman and her translator. Yeah, a woman calls and asks for a translator. So, Laura gets one and then brings everyone together on the line, and then just disconnects from the call. So, somewhere out there are a Portugeuse woman and her translator floating around looking to talk to someone. I wonder if they will get to talk to my customer.

Oddly enough, everyone that I have transferred to that airline since has been connected. Go figure.

That crackhead sounded like he was Jonesin

You know them-those crackheads who are trying to be polite but are still being pushy, or as I call this being cracktackular. Asking all these questions, not waiting for an answer and interrupting you when you try to answer are traits of being cracktackular. Look around. How many cracktackular people are around you. Or are YOU cracktackular yourself?

It seems like I am on autopilot at work lately. I just keep staring at this screen and there are words just coming out of my mouth. I am usually paying attention to them to make sure I don't throw anything crazy in there or cuss at someone, but I don't think I am paying really that much attention. Has my job really become that involuntary?

I enjoy looking out the window and crazy British people up in my telephone.

At work, looking out the window is fun. I look out the window at home, but that is usually to see which crackhead from my neighborhood is causing the ruckus. Plus, I don't really enjoy the lovely view of the ghetto we have. I hate travel agents-they are angry evil idiots.

Canadians have weird zip codes. I just talked to one and his zip was all M2H3j7. Yeah, eh. I wonder if his head was like Ike's from Southpark.

Old white people are ignorant/rude too; "You people" sent me this form. "You people" didn't send me a card. I dunno, but when some old crap says "you people" I am offended. It makes me want to rip their dentures out and then pull their depends up over their heads wedgie style. Then I would say, "NO! YOU PEOPLE WITH YOUR DENTURES HANGIN OUT AND YOUR CRAP STAINED DIAPERS PULLED OVER YOUR HEAD CAN ADDRESS ME BY SIR YOU SORRY SACK OF SENIOR S#*$!"

I am having coffee! I am on my second cup! Everything deserves an exclamation mark!

I am speaking in fragments. I just told my customer that "Just to let you know it takes 5-7 business days." Oddly, my customer did not ask what it took 5-7 business days to do. Have another cup. I hate travel agents. They are like really lacking and usually speak all monotone with this "I HATE MEN/I JUST RIPPED MY NEIGHBORS JUNK OFF BECAUSE IT IS TUESDAY" attitude. Barbara/Susan-put the painkillers/muscle relaxers down or get a different job. I am sure your customers are just thrilled to deal with you, you pleasant little thing.

Sir, can you learn to speak English and then call back?"

A personal thank you to Laura.

I must thank Laura for opening my eyes on many different levels. First off, on being true to oneself and opening my eyes to what is right and wrong. Second off, make better decisions and don't be hasty in making them. Don't buy crap (like the honda). Don't take crap (from the phone company or anyone including the fraternal order of police when they call at 8 in the morning). Don't fling crap (like my mother and her how nothing is her fault and everyone is either stupid or a transvestite or trying to invade her brain). I admire Laura for her wisdom and all that is Laura. So, hats off to Laura and three cheers to her. Hip, Hip, Hooray!

The morons that Rachel and I endure....

Hats off to Rachel. She endures my hating of white people at work. Sometimes, I really hate white people. They are so dumb. Well, all people can go dumb at times, and some more than others. We enjoy making fun of the people and our comaraderie makes the shift go by quicker. There is no one else I can think of that I enjoy making fun of crackers with.

So, I have dumb people up in my phone telling me that their house is moving-is this a covered reason for cancellation? Well, it sounds like a covered reason until you realize the house is only moving due to the hallucinagenic drugs that my customer is on. Oh, Rachel where are you? I am left to face the idiot from each village alone on this evening. I hope you are having a great day off. So, on top of this, I accidently switched a day off for someone else's so he could go to a ball game. It was only after it went through that I realized I am now going to be working 8 days straight. And people be messin with me cuz I'm fat. Well, I got some news for you. I am gonna go to a smorgasbord and eat some crazy s#*& and come to fertilize your lawn you crazy chicken f*&#%. "One thousand three" is not an area code-but I wouldn't expect any less from a New Yorka than to argue with me over petty crap. At least not today. This lady has no clue what a policy number is; THIS IS THE # specific to your policy. "What is my poricy (policy) number?" You give this number to the people and they pull up your policy by that number. If it is wrong policy #, then the wrong policy will appear. Blah blah blah my commission insurance....commission insurance? Are you a travel agent? No. Commission/corrision(collision in English not Engrish)-what's the difference? Seriousry.

Grocery Shopping at Wallyworld and Lobster taunting.

Walmart on a Saturday is the epitomie of white trash. Billy get 'er done on aisle 3, Texas Timmy and his Nascar fans in the frozen meat section, and Brenda and her 47 half dressed messy faced kids. Oh Brenda. GET YOUR TRACTOR A** out of my way and round your dang kids up or something. But I do so enjoy taunting the lobsters. Last time I did this was on a busy Saturday, and a bunch of kids (at least 7 or 8) joined in on knocking on the glass before a bunch of parents started to yell at all of us. And the lobster wrangler guy was laughin the whole time.

New car.

I got a newer car. It's a Saturn and it goes VROOOM muthaf*#%a.

New car hopefully and related realizations.

I am trying to go buy a new car tomorrow. I am trying to not get excited as something will happen and the car will be gone and I will be dissapointed as normal. Why can't good things happen for me? It seems that I am stuck in a s#&*hole life and it's a really bad afterschool special about crackheads or something. I've never done crack-why do I have to suffer the consequences and live like a crackhead? I have made great accomplishments as of lately and I all want is for someone to say "HEY, You are doing a good job at being yourself. I am PROUD OF YOU." I quit drinking and people generally respond with "hey that's great and all, I'm gonna get a beer." I quit smoking and Laura brought it to my attention that I have become "a different person" and brought up how everyone in her department feels that I should go back to smoking. I think that I am doing quite well, and my next step is to get in shape. I wonder what that will wash over me.....

I royally f#*$%d up father's day. Laura and I had tried to set it up so we could take them out together. Well, my dad can't eat spicy food so he couldn't eat at Joes-I figured he and I could eat together. He would have rather not. So, I screwed up the whole day but could you expect any less of me?

I am really tired of this bs in my life. I can't do anything right, I have to depend on others for stupid crap because I can't drive and should be nominated for loser of the year. Gosh, even Napolean has a better life than I do. I think I am going to stop waisting energy trying to be pleasant. Its just not worth it.

Inanimate objects and my reality check.

So, I have quit smoking for 5 days now, taken care of my license, cleaned my house, got my laptop, set up paying my car insurance and student loans by automatic draft, and just need to wash my clothes this weekend.

I feel energetic with all of this extra energy from nicotine cravings. I couldn't sleep the other night, so I moped the kitchen floor at 4 in the morning. I mean mopped, not mopeded or anything. Have you seen my kitchen? You couldn't moped in there. Although, there was a moped/scooter in the kitchen when that hurricane happened.

I appreciate riding in a convertible.

Blue sky pickle 3000 turbo vegetable orange door chicken testicle near vacation fish porn apple tostido houseparty drinkers hands drive thru bigfoot arrested bricks school house Beckley, West Virginia. Saturn Hi-C back surgury wedding french fries.

Originally, this was a free writing exercise, but after riding around in a convertible the other day, I really do appreciate riding in a convertible. It was fun. However I am sure the people in other cars were wondering how much crisco it took to get my fat a$$ into that Miata.

I want to use all of my Princess points for a Coccoon

This week is really sucking bigtime. And it is only Tuesday. I am sure I am going to shoot someone I swear. But I haven't had a cigarette in going on two days. You know, you ask someone in a clerical division for to handle something for you and it takes a week and a fu*#&!g half for them NOT to do it and waste your &*%#)&(#*%( time. I'd try to climb back into the uterus, but not my mom's.

The Death is around me....

So, Laura has no spleen anymore. My dad has a diabetic ulcer on his foot. Somebody told me that means amputation if they can't fix the circulation. Muhammed has some skin problem and was hospitalized. Now, Sean was in an accident or some crap like that and no one's heard from him at this point. Is there some curse around me or something? I am nervous about the health issues going around me that I am scared of going to the Dr myself.

I really don't want to hurt you....I am just quitting smoking.

Okay, so I climbed out of bed at 230 today because I was sure this was going to be a s#$**y monday. I don't LIKE MONDAYS. For some reason, I was certain this one was tainted for some reason. I DON"T LIKE MONDAYS YOU *#)($!&%(*&^%(*_#&%&)*_#&%&)*%#%(&*()%#&_(*#&$()*_&%#@($)^T&)+&@#_)*(%)@#%.

I am quitting smoking today. I am a little more high strung than usual. As Laura will tell you, I really turn when I really try to quit. Everyone is just a giant ahole and my attitude completely changes and becomes pessimistic. But thus far I am doing good especially for this being a Monday you barbeque #** licker. Updates tomorrow you pumpkin $*#@(ng spatulas.

Real Life and expenses and other crap.

Paying rent is not hard to do when you have the money. It is due the same time each month, so no big problem there. Car insurance and other payments like student loans and due the same time each month; again not a problem (at this point). What gets you are those crazy utility/gas, electric and phone bills that are due when the ____ ever as well as unexpected bills and groceries. You have to really strategically plan this out. The equation goes something like how cheaply do i have to eat this month in order to be able to afford my unexpected expenses and hope I don't get in trouble for bs reasons.

The other issue is do I have job security? I don't know how your job is, nor mine for that matter. I think I am operation at times on sheer terror. I am doing what I am suppossed to be doing, trying to do my job to the best of my ability by meeting all of my goals and requirements, but there is one aspect of the job that is scaring the heck out of me. The rumors and gossip and high school stuff that travels around quicker that the sound of glass shattering. Another thing is, Virginia is a right to work state. I like my job and feel proud of myself for being in the same job, same position with minimal problems for 6 months without missing a single day of work. That's right-I haven't missed a day in 6months. Impressive; It used to be I couldn't keep a job that long a few years ago. (The ADHD is not controlling me). Unfortunately, I do worry about job security and how much longer I will be employed here. I like working here and am doing all that I am suppossed to. Oddly, I have never had a job of this caliber that I was this dedicated to, and am guessing I am suffering from dilusional paranoid scitzophrenia or something.

On top of having a piece of crap car, there is some crap going on with my license that seems to be an administration error or something of that nature, but then isn't it always something or another with me???

SUV debate article of interest

http://www.thedrewview.com/suv_debate.htm

Fourteen chicken wings of fire.

I realize they are out there. I saw one yesterday. Them. No, not them but them. The crazies. Yes, they are amusing. Like the woman I used to ride the bus with, Gloria. No, the public transportation-not the short bus. So, the first time I met her, Gloria bent over with her butt 5 feet from me, pulled her skirt up (which covered her back), grabbed her ankles and started singing London Bridge is falling down. So, apparently, my work is somewhere in the middle of her route to crazytown because we've been seeing her cutting through the parking lot a lot lately. I heard someone cussing while smoking a few months ago, and looked up to see Gloria petting a tree calling it a mother*#&%$. In other news.....

Watch out for inanimate objects.

So the other day, I almost took out this giant plant on the way to my desk. Sure, I am not the most graceful person but I know this. Today, that plant tried to attack me. I swear, and I thought they were fake. I don't work during the day, so I never see the lady water them. But they look fake. Now it's like the wizard of oz up in here and I got plants trying to get me.

There was a guy at walmart today, backing out of a parking space looking off into space and taking his and everyone else's time. He had this blank stare on his face like he was thinking about doughnuts, and I had my jaw dropped to the floor and he just stared at me like I was one of the doughnuts he was thinking of instead of driving. Man my feet smell.

Monkey related paraphenalia and other monkey business....

I am chatting with my coworkers on Memorial day as we are sitting around and the conversation takes a turn from cops pulling people for stupid reasons, like my pull the other day because my license plate was hanging crooked, to judges and so forth. So Steven tells us about this time in a New Kent courtroom where a woman brought her therapy monkey with her to court. The Therapy Monkey was stapped into a stroller and just getting bored by the usual court procedings. So the monkey started to throw crackers at the judge. Hmmm. Amusing. Onwards we go. Then there is the new song by Gwen Steffani-Round the block or something. Anycrap, in the middle of the song, it starts to talk about Bananas are the (explititive) and spells bananas. Hmmm. Then there is the skit on SNL where there is a talk show called "Monkeys Throwing Poo at Celebrities." To top it all off, I have a bunch of bananas in my desk. I hope that some monkey doesn't come along and flings poo at me while stealing my bananas. Hmmm.

Vain individuals

So, I am at work and I am sitting at my old desk on hold. I looked at the coworker's desk (you know the holier than thou...) and there is a mirror underneath the monitor, so said individual can stare at themselves. Hmm. I knew that said individual was a brown-nosing, holier than thou but to need to look at yourself during you work day-that is VAIN. I guess I am just yodeling about this because I dislike this individual and am so close to their desk....maybe I should...maybe I shouldn't......

Lauren (not Laura) is so hungry she could eat a house

So, Lauren is so hungry she could eat a house. My only response was "don't be goin and makin no people homeless cuz your hungry." I don't think I've ever been that hungry. I know I've said Blah blah blah horse before, and I think I ended up eatting beef. I could have eaten a horse though probably if 1) I was actually insane, and 2)It was prepared with some delicious sauce or marinated. I only say this because venison is good. cow is good. However I don't think I would want to eat something man-made. That would probably destroy your digestive track.

Self Control/willpower/things I lack

So, I quit drinking almost 4 months ago-really-and no problem. I thought that would be the hardest thing to do, but it isn't. Quitting smoking has been the most problematic thing I am facing in these days. I actually have enough control to not pull the fire alarm at work-but I really have to force myself not to do this when I walk down a particular hallway at work. So, I generally avoid this. But when I walked down this hallway today, I had to to fight the urge to pull the alarm like I always must when I walk down this hallway. It is so hard to do-you see the fire alarm, and you know that you are suppossed to pull it (but the time is not right) but it is begging to be pulled. That is it's sole purpose. It is not there to tell time or make a lovely addition to the wall; it is meant to be pulled and that is all. But I digress-I made it through the day without pulling the fire alarm.

SWEET MONKEY TUESDAYS!

This, being Thursday as well, was definately not one. I woke up to a redneck screaming on my answering machine at 10am, I dropped a soda and had it pour all over the "coffee table" and carpet, I opened the upside down bottle of ketchup that was left on the counter and it poured out of the bottle all over, and then dropped the bottle while putting it away, therefore splattering ketchup residue all over the refrigerator and floor. I was sure the way this day was going that my car was going to blow up on the way here; lately, it seems to want to idle at 3500rpm. How about it knew I was looking at other cars in the paper last night and behaved. Hmm.

So, I have to work this weekend, and hopefully my next day off, which is Tuesday of next week, will be a sweet monkey tuesday. I am going to see if someone can take me to look at some cars a bit up the road.

Cats and unfulfilled waffle promises....

I must apologize to the cat for all the lies and purposefully misleading her. I'll be in bed and want the cat to come and lay on the bed, and I have made numerous repetive lies to the cat about there being a waffle smorgasbord in my bedroom with all of the waffles you can eat as well as all of the syrup you can handle. I do apologize dear cat, but you would thing you might realize this after the first 10 times it happened..........

I am a day off this week.

So, I thought Tuesday was actually Wednesday. I missed an appointment Monday morning. That must have been what threw my entire week off. So, I get to work and am in the middle of something and realize that I am suppossed to be in a meeting. So, I finish what I am doing and go to the meeting. I poke my head in the door and realize this is not my meeting. I apologize, but they tell me that my meeting is in another room. So, I go to that meeting and walk in. I apologize for being late; at this time I realize I am the only male in the room. They tell me the meeting is over. Then, the manager holding the meeting tells me that this meeting was not my meeting-mine is probably tomorrow and is a team meeting. I find out it is. The meeting ends and we go back to our desks.

I find out I have a meeting at 6 for this survey thing, so I go to that. The office is empty and the lights are off. I wait. I wait. I wander. I meander down to Laura's desk and perch on the side of a cubicle. She eventually looks up and I wave to her. She looks confused, so I go back to meandering around the building. No sign of my meeting. I checked the location and time a few times. Odd, the one time I am in the right place at the right time and nothing is going on. Hmm.

So, my coworker Rachel got a 2004 candy apple red Mustang Gt convertible this weekend. She had it for about 30 minutes before some moron in an Expedition plowed into the side of her car-they had to cut the door off to get her mother out. Pretty messed up. Time to eat. Later

i LOATHE mondays

Monday, the worst day of the week, should be eliminated. They should extend the weekend and make Tuesday the first day of the week with Friday being the traditional end of the week. I am sure a lot of crap happened on mondays, but can't seem to find some great list of crap so we should assume that everything bad in the world happened on a monday. it gives you enough time to regroup before the weekend. hiroshima probably occured on monday. yeah, I do not care for mondays.

We have a new grille.

Yes friends and other, Laura and I are the proud owners of a new grille. Yes we are. It is new, and at this time still wrapped in plastic in my car. Yes, It is just as crappy as our last grille but miniturized and has no legs (ba cha ba cha). I know that you are on the edge of your seat waiting for one of our super great best in world cook outs. Rest assured, cook outs will ensue. Oh yes my darlings, we will hockeypuck some burgers and burn the chicken. Okay, hopefully we will not do either. But life happens.

I am better now. Really

Surprising how just a day off will clear your head. I feel so much better. Honest. Hey, I was just talking to Nikki and she reminded me of a situation in high school where a friend we met when we were seniors. Well, our English teacher, who rode a bicycle to school, almost got hit by said friend the year before. I really forgot about that.

However, things are occurring around me that I don't have control of. I wish that I didn't hold grudges. (At least mine aren't like that movie...) I wish I had a million dollars. I wish I had a decent car. I wish they told me not to bother with paying off my school loans. But one of my pressing wishes is to have heat, hot water and be able to cook which should come true this weekend.....

Holier than Thou

I really hate those people. "I am better than you, I am an important princess. Are you listening to every beckoning call?" These are the words that I repeatedly imagine coming out of my coworker's (the one that I had a problem with) mouth. I don't think that I have ever been uppity, but who knows? Everyone's perception of others is their own. ANYCRAP, BACK TO MY RANTING. "The world is MY OYSTER, so get me some cocktail sauce you." You know, I am sure that if something was stuck that far up my rear that I would be uncomfortable enough to walk around funny, but not enough to the point of being perky every minute of every hour (except for that brief instant when this individual became SATAN during our conversation). I hate perky too. I would need serious COCAINE to be that pleasant. Which reminds me of this lady at the government center. She seemed to be the queen of valium, and when i asked her where the bathroom was she started using both hands to direct me in the fashion of an air traffic controller. Hmm. I could barely get the directions because I was about to burst out laughing. But things happen. I'm sure she's really nice. I just don't trust her. What does she do when she gets off work? Light up a blunt in the car and drive home flicking people off while driving like a maniac. I know we all have imperfections but some people's are funny.

Like the lady at the gas company. I was waiting for her to say, "Sir, I am better than you-please hangup your phone and get off of my line." "I have all the power in the world. I am a customer service supervisor" was the impression I got from her. She informed me that it is my responsibility to make sure I get a bill every month, my responsibility to make sure they receive my payment. "So, I got to get in the car, drive 30 miles, spend 20 minutes looking for parking and then stand in 2 lines for 45 minutes?" I asked. "No sir, you can mail the bill." I almost crapped myself, but was able to respond "Not really. That's what I did do and now I am standing here without gas." What is really messed up is we requested a bill 2 weeks ago and nobody said anything about not getting our last payment. So, we are going on day 5 of no heat, hot water or being able to cook. However, we are going to Craig's tomorrow to take showers, wash clothes, cook and wash dishes and have heat and play with cats. Yay!

Today's issue with NOLD FAITHFUL (my car)

So, I leave to come to work. Everything is as fine as it can possibly be with my car. So, I am 3 blocks from my house and something happens. The car starts running like a lawnmower. I am worried that I am not going to make it to work because I can tell the car is not running on all cylinders. I wonder which ones are providing power to the engine. I am at the Walgreens next to a big white van with a giant roof and I look over because I feel someone staring at me. Some downs syndrome kid is staring at me with this giant smile. I start pulling away as the light turns green and I keep running strong with the van. I can't help but notice that the person is still staring at me smiling. I get all the way to World Access, keep in mind running on 3 cylinders, and lose them when I pull into the lot. I am livid about the whole car until I go out during my lunch and pop the hood. Problem is that one of the spark plugs is not even attached to the distributor. Hmm that may be why the engine is running like a lawn mower. But Laura sent me this link, and the bad thing is I am considering one of these "vehicles" if the price is right. Yes, Bob I want to drive a golf cart.

http://www.mitsuoka-motor.com/english/lineup/microcar/index.html

What made my day worth it....

I spoke with a really interesting woman earlier. She was a black woman in her mid 60's that was training to learn dogsledding. She wanted to be the first black woman to dogsled in Antartica. She was filled with a whole hearted laughter that made me feel warm and protected and secure, even though it may have seemed just this side of crazy. At the end of our conversation, she told me a story about her trip to Manitoba. They were travelling in this sub zero weather on a tall platform transporter and everything was covered in snow. "Everything was white around except for me." They spotted a bear in the woods and he came towards the transporter, his fur as white as the snow. "he was staring at me from the moment he saw me." He came up to the transporter and stood up and was about 8 feet tall. With the bear still staring directly at this woman, the bear cleared his throat. "Suddenly the bear was speaking. Do you know what that bear said?" I was sitting on the edge of my seat listening to this story like a little kid, eager to find out what the bear said. "That bear said, Oh Damn. There goes the neighborhood. (HAHAHAHAHA as the woman laughs that comforting laugh). I told that bear to shut his Nazi a@@ up and get on."

Talking with this person and hearing this story was the highlight of my day. Oddly enough, I have this juvenile feeling of awe that you know from the first time you read THE POLAR EXPRESS. Yeah, odd but enlightening.

Purple starfish in my gazebo. (Made you look)

I really can't think of anything to write about, so I figure I will waste the rest of my lunch just typing words that fit together. You know English is the hardest language to learn. I wonder what my friends are doing right this minute. I can see them laughing and enjoying the company of each other, and I am trapped behind this desk, or atleast doing something that makes staring at the wall seem interesting. Atleast I have some ice peppermint tea. Its no cigarette and beer fiesta, but it is really some good stuff. Just like my lunch: chicken and potato salad. Yeah, I took two good things and made them one. I know, I rule. I hope I win the lottery soon. I guess I should buy a ticket first. Yeah, that might be a good start genius. I wonder if Wilford Brimley is testing his diabetis right now. Hmm. Anycrap, I think I am going to go walk around in a circle for the remaining 7 minutes of my lunchtime. (What is going on with me today-I am supertard or something.) Okay, I have decided against walking around in that aforementioned circle for various reasons. 1) It takes energy. 2)With my luck, I will get dizzy and loose balance and coordination and take out someone's desk. 3) I just don't want to anymore-it seems foolish that i wanted to do so in the first place. 4) Yeah. So, in closing, I hope you people out there are having fun; be well, prosper and let me get back to helping america with their silly questions.

Help! I am suffering from an alergic reaction to life! Somebody medicate me!

At first, I thought that overtime was good. Work more, get more money. Wrong. I realized this when the government decided to pretty much keep most of the overtime that I had worked. So, now that the overtime is over, I can go back to living a semi-normal productive life. Or atleast I anticipate. So, what is going to happen next? We shall have to wait and see. Oh, I saw a bootlegged version of White Noise. I don't recall seeing a bootlegged film before, but this was funny. Everybody in the audience was suffering from the plague or something. Coughing the whole time throughout the movie-the only thing that was scarry about watching this movie was when Laura called for the cat when she went to sleep. I thought the "white noise" was calling for the cat. Hmm. Oh crap-I wonder how bad tomorrow is going to suck. Goodnight.

THE WORST FRIDAY EVER

I woke up the 5th time the phone rang this morning, and ended up screaming at Will. Unfortunately, his call followed the 4 previous ones which were hang ups, presumably for the christmas store. Sorry Will. My car smells funny on the way to work. I know, I mean funnier than usual. Like turpentine and candy. On fire. Yeah. I get to work and try to give a little friendly advise to a coworker which ends up with her pulling out the race card on me. No, Not a race car but the race card. I am so offended, upset and embarrassed by this that I start to calmly flip out. I talk to a member of management and then everything completely blows up and it turns out to be "a misunderstanding." Hmm. I still don't know how the friendly advice I was attempting to give got resulted in me be accused of making racist remarks, jokes and comments.

Wilford Brimley has been annoying me lately.

Wilford Brimley is getting on my nerves. He can't be the Quaker Oats man anymore with those diabeatis he is always talking about. Every time I settle down on the couch to watch the Price is Right, I hear about how my testing supplies can be delivered to my door and that I don't even have to go to the pharmacy any more and hang out with the old which are eminating various ointment related smells. If it is not that, then it is for the Scooter store or Hov-a-round. How do those two old people get to the top of that rock formation on a hov-a-round. Those things can't defy gravity, can they? I mean if so I better go get pre qualified by the scooter store so that when medicare denies my claim I will still get the scooter for free.

Saw a sign today stating that old people are the highest carriers of aids: hearing aids, medicaid, walking aids, rolaids, etc. It was quite funny cuz the guy who owns the garage is 102 or something like that and still inspects cars. I know where I am taking the Accord now if it doesn't fall apart before the next inspection.

End of that quiet week.

By the way, that quiet week ended with $265 in car repairs. Apparently, my steering knuckle was being held on by one stripped bolt just resting there. Driving home on last Wednesday, I hit a bump and heard pa-ting-ting-ting. This was one of the two bolts holding the steering knuckle. Car surgury was quoted at $241 at Sears, which is as far as I could take it due to the THUNDER in the left wheel when the brakes were applied. The guy calls me and tells me $336; he forgot to add the labor cost. He explains the parts needed; I tell him I am not paying $50 for new brake pads because the ones on the car are 2 weeks old. $283. I pick the car up with the new rotor, new pads and this knuckle thing-$265. Hmmm. See Ron White, and his view on Sears Auto Center......

I have read and understand the terms and conditions.

Terms and conditions may apply. With any contract in the real world, there are terms and conditions. Usually, you must acknowledge that you have read and understand the terms and conditions, releasing whatever company from the liability associated with said contract. Nobody is impervious to said terms and conditions. You can't sue if green munchkins pop out of your chimney and destroy your house because you did not return your movies on time. And how about everyone who wants to challenge the terms and conditions is a lawyer. Every single one. THEY ARE ALL LAWYERS, or atleast they play one on tv-especially when they realize now that they should have taken a few moments to read the TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

In case of emergency....

So everything is calm. A little too calm. Something bad is going to happen. Soon. I know. I have been working so much overtime lately and nothing interesting is happening in my life. Like the other day I bought shoes. Woa. So, I know something bad is going to happen. Like my toilet is going to mysteriously grow to GIANTOR TOILET. Or my friends are all going to get run over by a clown car and I will be be able to do is take some valium and click my heels 3 times. I am not looking forward to the lurking horrors that are sure to ensue. Nope, not at all.

A semi-uneventful week

Nothing really happened this week. I did get yelled at for some bad decisions on my part, but outside of that nothing really happened. The sun rose and set, it rained and gas is $2.13 a gallon. The highlight of my week so far was buying some sandals-I am not one to get excited over such purchases but with all the overtime I am working (and the reality of how boring this week really was) it was out of the ordinary for the week. So that would be the highlight. Oh, yeah...the cat startled me last night when I wasn't paying attention. Oh, yeah...I left my sunglasses at work last night and I went grocery shopping this morning. Yeah, that is all.