Mass email at work about chicken.

I got bored at work last week, and sent out the following email.
"In regards to the chicken and the egg, that's splendid. But the real question is which kind of chicken came first? We can rule out fried chicken, because cavemen didn't have fryers. I am thinking baked chicken or broiled chicken and it was cooked over a fire. And when was barbeque sauce invented? THESE are the important questions that matter.
Ian"
A bunch of people responded you so crazy oh my gawd no he didn't. Then,I got a response from Ken.
"OK, I'm thinking Rotisserie was the first kind as most cavemen had open fires and ovens came about much later. BBQ I bet cam very shortly after when cavemen first dropped the chicken they're cooking in maybe some fruit they were eating cause they wanted to check the chicken to see if it was done, and then continued to cook it."
Upon which, I got an email from Alex. She said:
"What about Buffalo sauce FOR the chicken. Did cavemen get the idea from the buffalo they were hunting? And what PART of the buffalo tastes that spicy but good? I will spend ALL DAY pondering these critical things.... "
I was excited. People were actually taking their busy work day to ponder delicious chicken with me. So, I forwarded Alex's reply to Ken. His response followed.
"To answer this one needs to know some history about the Buffalo: Back in Caveman days the buffalo was no as we know it today. Back about one hundred thousand years ago when primitive man was first getting in to groups to hunt larger beasts there was a fearsome creature that roamed the vast icy planes. These beasts were large fire breathing Bison. Many Cavemen died in these massive hunts but the end result was well worth the sacrifice. These gigantic creatures would feed the semi-nomadic people for months and the bonus was the fire gland. This was dried and ground up and then added to some stores of condensed Bison blood. This was slathered all over the meat as they slowly cooked the hard earned kill. The hot and spicy concoction was the worlds first "Buffalo Sauce". That recipe has since changed but the idea of a hot spicy sauce for food lives on to this day. And the name is derived from the ancient fire breathing "Buffalo". This is mostly all factual information by the way."
So, take some time to think about the chicken and ponder the different aspects of yum yum good.
(Yeah, I know I'm simple.)

Crackheads on Craigslist

So, I am trying to get rid of my old Legos, and they didn't sell on ebay. So I tried Craigslist and got a few responses. At first, this seemed legit, but read the last one. Woah.

Hello, I'm Dave .I am interested in your[AD]and I'll like to know your last offering price and to see the pics and to know the present condition if it will be okay with me.I'll be making my payment Immediately.If you do I want you to get in touch with me immediately for me to proceed with the Payment. As for the shipping I'll contact a shipping agent of mine who will arranged for the Pick up as soon as the transaction is sealed.I'll be looking forward to your response. Thanks and Have a Nice day. Regards Dave.



Hello,Thanks for the fast reply,i appreciate your desire in selling your( Lego's-Vintage Shell) to me,as regards Having made me to know the asking price for your (Lego's-Vintage Shell),i will be glad if we can go ahead with the transaction right away.This is a little more about me... I am 38 years of age.i am very nice ,caring, honest, responsible, hardworking, reliable and social.i like watching movies swimming and running and reading too. I don't go to late parties , do not smoke nor drink. i am ve-ry passionate, i like to share ideas with others.All this attributes i guess you will finally see for your self if i get in. But less i forget, sometimes aggressive when provoked to an extent. ..However,i will have to issue you with a money order from U.S bank in the amount of $3,500 as this will also cover the expenses of my shipper who will be coming over to your address to pick the (Lego's-Vintage Shell)and other goods that i am purchasing in the states for en-shipment..I ought to have paid you separatel! !! ! ! ! y,but due to the policy of the company paying me off,they would only issue one check on the amount..,all you need do is to forward the outstanding amount of the funds to my shipper on receipt of receiving the payment,you will send the funds to my shipper immediately for him to come over and pick the (Lego's-Vintage Shell) for en-shipment to me here in (CANADA)....If this sounds alright! with you,please,provide me with your ......RECIPIENT'S FULL NAME (NAME ON WHICH THE CHEC K SHOU LD BE PAID UNTO)MAILING ADDRESS (YOUR POSTAL ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER UNTO WHICH THE CHECK-PAYMENT SHOULD BE SENT TO)Best Regards....Dave.............

First day as a claims examiner.

So, I got this lady inquiring about her claim. Blah blah blah winter home blah blah blah summer home blah blah blah. So, I let her talk about how wonderful her life is while I live in the united nations and it's hard to find someone who speaks ENGLISH. I mute the call and start mimicking her. Then, with the phone still muted I said "Shut up lady. Buy me a Volvo!" Two coworkers on the other side of the room bust out laughing. One shot soda out her nose. Anycrap, I had to send a letter to the administration to send the damn check to where ever the hell she was. This is about how it was:

Could you make sure that the check gets set to her NEW York address. That is her summer home, but she is going to go there because the weather is favorable, and she will not be at her winter home so we need to send the check to the summer home because that is where she is going to be. I did not ask her why she would be at her summer home during the winter, even with the favorable weather, because I was afraid she would tell me. So, could you look into this? Ms. XXXXXX would appreciate that greatly. Toodles.

So, many of my settings haven't been changed since I came over her to the Claims Department from Customer Service. I am doing my first day's worth of work, and go to deny a claim. I get an error message, stating I am not authorized to DENY the claim at this time. I got denied trying to deny someone. Well, I will just send a letter out stating we are going to need documentation of his operation on his sphinctor and then deny at a later time. DON"T BUY TRAVEL INSURANCE AFTER YOU INJURE YOURSELF. We require documentation from real Dr's not just play actors on tv. Yup.

lately

The cat and I are about to watch the fast and the furious. Tibby loves Paul Walker, but I don't think she cared for his lastest movie-sharks and the carribean and all. Pussy.

I've been really not busy at work and done a lot of ebay and forwarding of emails. I promise to stop. I realized I may have lost a bit of control when my friend Brad sent me this: "Dude, you're worse than the Penile Enlargement email I get!" Once again, I do apologize. But I promise to send only good crap from now on.

I am going to the BAHAMAS in april on a cruise. I've never been and I am really jazzed. I know I will be missed at work, but if they can't do their jobs without me by now they are a bunch of f***ing idiots. I'm going to the Bahamas

Lesbian Angst. I miss my soulmate. We had planned big dreams in life during those impressionable years of high school and freshman-junior years of college. But things started slipping and slipping and slipping. Then it was me making the obligatory 6 month check in call to make sure she and whatever new lover she had were okay. After calling her parents twice, and getting her stoned brother I just give up. No lipstick lesbian wife for me and hot threesomes. Or just watching. Whatever, I am a simple man that doesn't demand much. Funny, I haven't had sex in 4 years.

My boss got fired again, and my raise is going to suck. I had one "focus session" where we sit down and talk about my performance in 6 months. Apparently, when her boss did the evaluations only a few met their performance goal. So, I will only be getting a 3.25% raise this year because my yearly standard was 90.88%, which is below the required 92%. So, I have a meeting with Human resources tomorrow, although technically the figures have already been submitted. BTW, my boss was canned for the second time due to everyone one her team making the same complaint. How am I to know that I am not meeting expectations if no one tells me? Yet, I am a senior associate and act as a supervisor(of course without the pay)

And lithotripsy #2 was not sucessful. I still have that damned kidney stone moving around inside of my body.

I am not pissed at humanity, just a bit disappointed. Thank the lord tomorrow is payday or i might go shoot someone.

I'm a trader...

Any followers of my blog may realize that I don't update everyday like I used to.....I admit I became a bit addicted to MYSPACE. I started finding all of my old friends and coworkers and the likewise, and became a bit of a myspace whore. I turned my back on my blog-I didn't have the power and social energy to do both....so I let my blog have some space. I mean there is only so much time during an 8 hr shift that you can avoid doing real work. I was actual looking at Mike's dream diary more than my own. For a while, I was posting my blog here and at myspace-a true backstabber. So, I can rant about wanting a Suzuki crotch rocket and how I want to move to California or somewhere interesting and get out of this craphole called Virginia. Oh my.

Little thinker

When I was a kid, I listened to these tapes called Little Thinker that were suppossed to stimulate kids to think, and then draw a picture. This was actually busy work/ cheap babysitting for my parents. I remember a poem from the tapes still to this day. It's a story about Ira Ferd.

There was a little boy,
his name was Ira Ferd.
He did not like to walk,
and so he rode a bird.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! Flying upside down.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! You're such a silly clown.
But clever little Ira Ferd,
he did not mind the names.
He knew they were just jealous
cuz they could not do the same.

Boy, my life is wonderful that I remember such interesting items from childhood.

I am a movie star/ california housewives.

I just had Lithotripsy last week and they gave me painkillers for when the kidney pushed its way through my body and the jagged edges caused pain. I don't care much for drugs, but the pain was a bit unbearable at times. I took the painkiller and it dulled the pain. And it kind of made it feel like I was floating around. Not bad. Actually, it was great. It was really great. Now I understand why all these Cali housewives and moviestars are addicted to painkillers. It made me feel all smooth and happy. I wanted to get in my BMW and drive on down to Starbucks and get a mocha lotte before going to rip someone a new @$$/shoplift the latest fashions. Yup.

Gotta love Wikipedia.

I admit my cracker @$$ had no clue what a street sweeper is. I am just not urban enough anymore. So, I have WIKIPEDIA on the internet. I secretly have used it for this and that, but could not pronounce it. So anycrap, I started searching around on the site and realized its got everything here. And links to items associated with everything. Wow. What a way to blow 4 hours at work. Awesome.

New Years Resolutions.

1. Get in shape. I am joining a gym so that I can get into shape. I am tired of walking by windows and sucking in so that I look built not just out of shape. I am tired of not fitting into pants I fit into 3 months ago, as well as having an entire closet filled with clothes I haven't fit into in 3 years. I am not bying any more fat boy clothes either.

2. Diet. I need to change my diet so that I don't develop diabetes like my father and so that my body can run more efficently. I need to diet so I am not a fat slob. This means no more soda (bad for kidney stones)diet or non-diet {probably first resolution to pulverize}, no more processed sugar (except for Godiva), low fat non trans fat foods and all that crap. I've already started with keeping the food diary. I am focusing on portion control, and implementing all 4 food groups. Not just pizza, fries, burgers and cake. I am learning a lot from DIETING FOR DUMMIES as well as THE MAKER'S DIET.

3. Work on my attitude. I need to be less staunch at work and not so standoffish with customers. The calls are recorded and we do get graded on random calls. I have had no bad calls, but somehow a call that was pulled changed our policy on disconnecting calls from customers who use vulgar language. Apparently, I was CONFRONTATIVE with a customer and this is why they began to cuss at me. Yes, I agree-I too think that is a vicious lie, but I am not the powers that be.

4. I will not mess with my hair. This means NO DYING OR CUTTING. I am not in the military anymore, so I don't need a military cut. As for the dying-you think I'd learn my lesson by now. EVERYTIME I DO DYE MY HAIR, I REALIZE HOW BAD IT LOOKS WHEN IT DRYS. Except that one time, but everyone else said it looked really bad. I am not going to look like a golden retriever or a fat Eminem this year.

5. Keep track of all expenses. I am going to keep a shoebox filled with receipts from all of my purchases this year. I will not make frivolous purchases, as I do not have space for any CRAP.

6. I will TRY to not make fun of idiots, both blatantly or secretively. I will not judge others and I'll try to be less shallow this year. Yeah.