I appreciate riding in a convertible.

Blue sky pickle 3000 turbo vegetable orange door chicken testicle near vacation fish porn apple tostido houseparty drinkers hands drive thru bigfoot arrested bricks school house Beckley, West Virginia. Saturn Hi-C back surgury wedding french fries.

Originally, this was a free writing exercise, but after riding around in a convertible the other day, I really do appreciate riding in a convertible. It was fun. However I am sure the people in other cars were wondering how much crisco it took to get my fat a$$ into that Miata.

I want to use all of my Princess points for a Coccoon

This week is really sucking bigtime. And it is only Tuesday. I am sure I am going to shoot someone I swear. But I haven't had a cigarette in going on two days. You know, you ask someone in a clerical division for to handle something for you and it takes a week and a fu*#&!g half for them NOT to do it and waste your &*%#)&(#*%( time. I'd try to climb back into the uterus, but not my mom's.

The Death is around me....

So, Laura has no spleen anymore. My dad has a diabetic ulcer on his foot. Somebody told me that means amputation if they can't fix the circulation. Muhammed has some skin problem and was hospitalized. Now, Sean was in an accident or some crap like that and no one's heard from him at this point. Is there some curse around me or something? I am nervous about the health issues going around me that I am scared of going to the Dr myself.

I really don't want to hurt you....I am just quitting smoking.

Okay, so I climbed out of bed at 230 today because I was sure this was going to be a s#$**y monday. I don't LIKE MONDAYS. For some reason, I was certain this one was tainted for some reason. I DON"T LIKE MONDAYS YOU *#)($!&%(*&^%(*_#&%&)*_#&%&)*%#%(&*()%#&_(*#&$()*_&%#@($)^T&)+&@#_)*(%)@#%.

I am quitting smoking today. I am a little more high strung than usual. As Laura will tell you, I really turn when I really try to quit. Everyone is just a giant ahole and my attitude completely changes and becomes pessimistic. But thus far I am doing good especially for this being a Monday you barbeque #** licker. Updates tomorrow you pumpkin $*#@(ng spatulas.

Real Life and expenses and other crap.

Paying rent is not hard to do when you have the money. It is due the same time each month, so no big problem there. Car insurance and other payments like student loans and due the same time each month; again not a problem (at this point). What gets you are those crazy utility/gas, electric and phone bills that are due when the ____ ever as well as unexpected bills and groceries. You have to really strategically plan this out. The equation goes something like how cheaply do i have to eat this month in order to be able to afford my unexpected expenses and hope I don't get in trouble for bs reasons.

The other issue is do I have job security? I don't know how your job is, nor mine for that matter. I think I am operation at times on sheer terror. I am doing what I am suppossed to be doing, trying to do my job to the best of my ability by meeting all of my goals and requirements, but there is one aspect of the job that is scaring the heck out of me. The rumors and gossip and high school stuff that travels around quicker that the sound of glass shattering. Another thing is, Virginia is a right to work state. I like my job and feel proud of myself for being in the same job, same position with minimal problems for 6 months without missing a single day of work. That's right-I haven't missed a day in 6months. Impressive; It used to be I couldn't keep a job that long a few years ago. (The ADHD is not controlling me). Unfortunately, I do worry about job security and how much longer I will be employed here. I like working here and am doing all that I am suppossed to. Oddly, I have never had a job of this caliber that I was this dedicated to, and am guessing I am suffering from dilusional paranoid scitzophrenia or something.

On top of having a piece of crap car, there is some crap going on with my license that seems to be an administration error or something of that nature, but then isn't it always something or another with me???

SUV debate article of interest

http://www.thedrewview.com/suv_debate.htm

Fourteen chicken wings of fire.

I realize they are out there. I saw one yesterday. Them. No, not them but them. The crazies. Yes, they are amusing. Like the woman I used to ride the bus with, Gloria. No, the public transportation-not the short bus. So, the first time I met her, Gloria bent over with her butt 5 feet from me, pulled her skirt up (which covered her back), grabbed her ankles and started singing London Bridge is falling down. So, apparently, my work is somewhere in the middle of her route to crazytown because we've been seeing her cutting through the parking lot a lot lately. I heard someone cussing while smoking a few months ago, and looked up to see Gloria petting a tree calling it a mother*#&%$. In other news.....

Watch out for inanimate objects.

So the other day, I almost took out this giant plant on the way to my desk. Sure, I am not the most graceful person but I know this. Today, that plant tried to attack me. I swear, and I thought they were fake. I don't work during the day, so I never see the lady water them. But they look fake. Now it's like the wizard of oz up in here and I got plants trying to get me.

There was a guy at walmart today, backing out of a parking space looking off into space and taking his and everyone else's time. He had this blank stare on his face like he was thinking about doughnuts, and I had my jaw dropped to the floor and he just stared at me like I was one of the doughnuts he was thinking of instead of driving. Man my feet smell.

Monkey related paraphenalia and other monkey business....

I am chatting with my coworkers on Memorial day as we are sitting around and the conversation takes a turn from cops pulling people for stupid reasons, like my pull the other day because my license plate was hanging crooked, to judges and so forth. So Steven tells us about this time in a New Kent courtroom where a woman brought her therapy monkey with her to court. The Therapy Monkey was stapped into a stroller and just getting bored by the usual court procedings. So the monkey started to throw crackers at the judge. Hmmm. Amusing. Onwards we go. Then there is the new song by Gwen Steffani-Round the block or something. Anycrap, in the middle of the song, it starts to talk about Bananas are the (explititive) and spells bananas. Hmmm. Then there is the skit on SNL where there is a talk show called "Monkeys Throwing Poo at Celebrities." To top it all off, I have a bunch of bananas in my desk. I hope that some monkey doesn't come along and flings poo at me while stealing my bananas. Hmmm.

Vain individuals

So, I am at work and I am sitting at my old desk on hold. I looked at the coworker's desk (you know the holier than thou...) and there is a mirror underneath the monitor, so said individual can stare at themselves. Hmm. I knew that said individual was a brown-nosing, holier than thou but to need to look at yourself during you work day-that is VAIN. I guess I am just yodeling about this because I dislike this individual and am so close to their desk....maybe I should...maybe I shouldn't......

Lauren (not Laura) is so hungry she could eat a house

So, Lauren is so hungry she could eat a house. My only response was "don't be goin and makin no people homeless cuz your hungry." I don't think I've ever been that hungry. I know I've said Blah blah blah horse before, and I think I ended up eatting beef. I could have eaten a horse though probably if 1) I was actually insane, and 2)It was prepared with some delicious sauce or marinated. I only say this because venison is good. cow is good. However I don't think I would want to eat something man-made. That would probably destroy your digestive track.

Self Control/willpower/things I lack

So, I quit drinking almost 4 months ago-really-and no problem. I thought that would be the hardest thing to do, but it isn't. Quitting smoking has been the most problematic thing I am facing in these days. I actually have enough control to not pull the fire alarm at work-but I really have to force myself not to do this when I walk down a particular hallway at work. So, I generally avoid this. But when I walked down this hallway today, I had to to fight the urge to pull the alarm like I always must when I walk down this hallway. It is so hard to do-you see the fire alarm, and you know that you are suppossed to pull it (but the time is not right) but it is begging to be pulled. That is it's sole purpose. It is not there to tell time or make a lovely addition to the wall; it is meant to be pulled and that is all. But I digress-I made it through the day without pulling the fire alarm.

SWEET MONKEY TUESDAYS!

This, being Thursday as well, was definately not one. I woke up to a redneck screaming on my answering machine at 10am, I dropped a soda and had it pour all over the "coffee table" and carpet, I opened the upside down bottle of ketchup that was left on the counter and it poured out of the bottle all over, and then dropped the bottle while putting it away, therefore splattering ketchup residue all over the refrigerator and floor. I was sure the way this day was going that my car was going to blow up on the way here; lately, it seems to want to idle at 3500rpm. How about it knew I was looking at other cars in the paper last night and behaved. Hmm.

So, I have to work this weekend, and hopefully my next day off, which is Tuesday of next week, will be a sweet monkey tuesday. I am going to see if someone can take me to look at some cars a bit up the road.

Cats and unfulfilled waffle promises....

I must apologize to the cat for all the lies and purposefully misleading her. I'll be in bed and want the cat to come and lay on the bed, and I have made numerous repetive lies to the cat about there being a waffle smorgasbord in my bedroom with all of the waffles you can eat as well as all of the syrup you can handle. I do apologize dear cat, but you would thing you might realize this after the first 10 times it happened..........

I am a day off this week.

So, I thought Tuesday was actually Wednesday. I missed an appointment Monday morning. That must have been what threw my entire week off. So, I get to work and am in the middle of something and realize that I am suppossed to be in a meeting. So, I finish what I am doing and go to the meeting. I poke my head in the door and realize this is not my meeting. I apologize, but they tell me that my meeting is in another room. So, I go to that meeting and walk in. I apologize for being late; at this time I realize I am the only male in the room. They tell me the meeting is over. Then, the manager holding the meeting tells me that this meeting was not my meeting-mine is probably tomorrow and is a team meeting. I find out it is. The meeting ends and we go back to our desks.

I find out I have a meeting at 6 for this survey thing, so I go to that. The office is empty and the lights are off. I wait. I wait. I wander. I meander down to Laura's desk and perch on the side of a cubicle. She eventually looks up and I wave to her. She looks confused, so I go back to meandering around the building. No sign of my meeting. I checked the location and time a few times. Odd, the one time I am in the right place at the right time and nothing is going on. Hmm.

So, my coworker Rachel got a 2004 candy apple red Mustang Gt convertible this weekend. She had it for about 30 minutes before some moron in an Expedition plowed into the side of her car-they had to cut the door off to get her mother out. Pretty messed up. Time to eat. Later

i LOATHE mondays

Monday, the worst day of the week, should be eliminated. They should extend the weekend and make Tuesday the first day of the week with Friday being the traditional end of the week. I am sure a lot of crap happened on mondays, but can't seem to find some great list of crap so we should assume that everything bad in the world happened on a monday. it gives you enough time to regroup before the weekend. hiroshima probably occured on monday. yeah, I do not care for mondays.

We have a new grille.

Yes friends and other, Laura and I are the proud owners of a new grille. Yes we are. It is new, and at this time still wrapped in plastic in my car. Yes, It is just as crappy as our last grille but miniturized and has no legs (ba cha ba cha). I know that you are on the edge of your seat waiting for one of our super great best in world cook outs. Rest assured, cook outs will ensue. Oh yes my darlings, we will hockeypuck some burgers and burn the chicken. Okay, hopefully we will not do either. But life happens.

I am better now. Really

Surprising how just a day off will clear your head. I feel so much better. Honest. Hey, I was just talking to Nikki and she reminded me of a situation in high school where a friend we met when we were seniors. Well, our English teacher, who rode a bicycle to school, almost got hit by said friend the year before. I really forgot about that.

However, things are occurring around me that I don't have control of. I wish that I didn't hold grudges. (At least mine aren't like that movie...) I wish I had a million dollars. I wish I had a decent car. I wish they told me not to bother with paying off my school loans. But one of my pressing wishes is to have heat, hot water and be able to cook which should come true this weekend.....

Holier than Thou

I really hate those people. "I am better than you, I am an important princess. Are you listening to every beckoning call?" These are the words that I repeatedly imagine coming out of my coworker's (the one that I had a problem with) mouth. I don't think that I have ever been uppity, but who knows? Everyone's perception of others is their own. ANYCRAP, BACK TO MY RANTING. "The world is MY OYSTER, so get me some cocktail sauce you." You know, I am sure that if something was stuck that far up my rear that I would be uncomfortable enough to walk around funny, but not enough to the point of being perky every minute of every hour (except for that brief instant when this individual became SATAN during our conversation). I hate perky too. I would need serious COCAINE to be that pleasant. Which reminds me of this lady at the government center. She seemed to be the queen of valium, and when i asked her where the bathroom was she started using both hands to direct me in the fashion of an air traffic controller. Hmm. I could barely get the directions because I was about to burst out laughing. But things happen. I'm sure she's really nice. I just don't trust her. What does she do when she gets off work? Light up a blunt in the car and drive home flicking people off while driving like a maniac. I know we all have imperfections but some people's are funny.

Like the lady at the gas company. I was waiting for her to say, "Sir, I am better than you-please hangup your phone and get off of my line." "I have all the power in the world. I am a customer service supervisor" was the impression I got from her. She informed me that it is my responsibility to make sure I get a bill every month, my responsibility to make sure they receive my payment. "So, I got to get in the car, drive 30 miles, spend 20 minutes looking for parking and then stand in 2 lines for 45 minutes?" I asked. "No sir, you can mail the bill." I almost crapped myself, but was able to respond "Not really. That's what I did do and now I am standing here without gas." What is really messed up is we requested a bill 2 weeks ago and nobody said anything about not getting our last payment. So, we are going on day 5 of no heat, hot water or being able to cook. However, we are going to Craig's tomorrow to take showers, wash clothes, cook and wash dishes and have heat and play with cats. Yay!

Today's issue with NOLD FAITHFUL (my car)

So, I leave to come to work. Everything is as fine as it can possibly be with my car. So, I am 3 blocks from my house and something happens. The car starts running like a lawnmower. I am worried that I am not going to make it to work because I can tell the car is not running on all cylinders. I wonder which ones are providing power to the engine. I am at the Walgreens next to a big white van with a giant roof and I look over because I feel someone staring at me. Some downs syndrome kid is staring at me with this giant smile. I start pulling away as the light turns green and I keep running strong with the van. I can't help but notice that the person is still staring at me smiling. I get all the way to World Access, keep in mind running on 3 cylinders, and lose them when I pull into the lot. I am livid about the whole car until I go out during my lunch and pop the hood. Problem is that one of the spark plugs is not even attached to the distributor. Hmm that may be why the engine is running like a lawn mower. But Laura sent me this link, and the bad thing is I am considering one of these "vehicles" if the price is right. Yes, Bob I want to drive a golf cart.

http://www.mitsuoka-motor.com/english/lineup/microcar/index.html