Welcome back. Thank you. You're welcome!

So, a friend of mine was telling me about their blog and I suddenly remembered about having one. So, after having to reset my password-it's been that long-I'm back in. So, here I am posting an entry before looking back. Seems backswards. ?ssel yna tcepxe uoy dluow

lazy self absorbed p.o.s. americans.

I hate americans....

Americans are rude, arrogant yet ignorant idiots. I completely understand why foreign countries hate Americans-not sure about why the French hate Americans-maybe it's like competition between two high school drama queens.

Americans think they are entitled to everything. They buy discounted trip insurance for $12.00 and think that entitles them to cancel for any reason. Although they received a copy of the terms and conditions after purchasing them and there was a link to said terms at purchase time (in addition to not being able to purchase the insurance without clicking on the box acknowledging you have read and understood the terms and conditions), they bitch "nobody reads them" when they are arguing about their claim being denied. $12.00 does not entitle you to the kingdom; don't act like it.

How are you going to call the electric company or your credit card company to make an inquiry on your account and not have your account number. When I ask for a claim number (you are calling about your claim, right?) or a policy number (the account number of that policy you bought that you are calling about) these people let the ignorance shine through. I'm not asking for your first born child or to use the hair dryer while you are taking a shower, but the stupid americans act like I'm asking for something completely unreasonable. "Hi I need an oil change but I didn't bring the car. How long will this take?"

These people are actually able to roam the streets, drive cars and reproduce. Rehearsed/staged or not, these are the people I deal with daily in my job. I always operate and live by the Golden Rule-Treat Others the Way you want to be treated. So, when you call me and cuss at me because your claim was denied because grandma passed from cancer (which you knew she was in chemo for when you bought the insurance) and I don't show empathy-it's not because I'm not empathetic to your situation-I just have a low threshold for stupid asinine idiots such as yourself. I'm thankful we are able to hang up on these people after they've cussed at us 3 times; I'm not sorry that your claim was denied and quite confused how you think that cussing at me is going to make me want to help you.

Recently, I ran across a payable claim that had been denied. Well, the woman was so nasty and rude I sure didn't feel bad for her and was not about to overturn the denial. So I let her call me a couple of wonderful cusswords (before I was able to advise her I would be hanging up if she continued to use the foul and abusive vulgar language) and ask me how I got to sleep at night (I wanted to tell her that my pillow top mattress with a featherbed on top of that is very comfortable) and that she was going to write a letter to the attorney general and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, a manager had overheard the conversation and asked me why I did not pay the claim. Originally the claim was processed by a person with more authority than I have. I told said manager I would follow up on this by the end of the day. I was told to put priority on it-so I did. I called the evil witch back and put on my roses and candy voice to let her know that I had overturned her denied claim. Suddenly, she's nice. Well, I put on the condescending voice because "killing her with kindness" might make her realize how much of a C*t she was. She thanked me, and I just told her that when I have people as pleasurable to deal with as she was, I don't mind providing assistance. Even with my condescending tone and carefully chosen words, I don't think she was smart enough to understand what was going on…..
Sometimes, after I've reminded them they clicked the box stating they've read and understood the terms and conditions of the legal binding contract (that no one held a gun to their head to make them purchase) they pretend to have a family member who is a lawyer sitting with them who wants to talk to me about their claim. I used to actually enjoy taking these calls because I too can play a lawyer on the phone. I can play a doctor too and a detective if need be. Well, a manager advised me that I technically should not be talking to them in regards to their client's claim unless we had a letter of representation from their firm on file within the claims documentation. This actually took a bit of fun away-as lawyers know they will need to sit down with the policy to read it. I casually remind them that it is not possible to purchase the insurance without clicking the box acknowledging the reading and understanding of the terms and conditions of the policy in addition to the 10 day Customer Satisfaction Guarantee, which states we'll give you the insurance premium back if you cancel within 10 days of purchasing the insurance and have not departed on the trip, nor filed a claim.

Burger King recently took away the Whopper for a day to see people's reaction. Has anyone seen the reactions? One woman demands to have the manager at the drive through window when she pulls up-I GUESS HER FAT LAZY BUTT WAS TOO BUSY TO GET OUT OF HER SUV TO GET HER 2 TRIPPLE WHOPPERS TO SCARF DOWN. Of course she would have to have told the person on the other end of the cell phone attached to her ear that she had to bitch someone out for a moment. Oh-and the guy who is in the dining room who starts yelling at the manager to get him a Whopper NOW!

Whether this was staged/rehearsed or not, I think the behavior is inappropriate and can understand why the rest of the world hates us. I'm sure not all Americans are like this (as I have friends who behave like civilized people who were born here with me), but the people I deal with unfortunately show me wonderful insight into why people are so proud to be fat lazy assine arrogant self absorbed pieces of scheisse (pronounced SHY-ZA), which is the German word for feces. (don't think too hard-if you don't get it, you don't get it) It's a shame that it's always a few that ruin it for everyone. The saddest part about this entire entry is that I'm a third generation American born Anglo Saxon…..

I am a roadtripper....

So I went to Atlantic City two weeks ago with Shelby and had a blast and then to WV with Johnny and Shelby for some more gambling and partying this weekend. Heading to DC in a two weeks to celebrate Brehon's birthday. Then in the end of March, I am going to the Dominican Republic-never been there. Well, that's not really a road trip....

I have had so much fun with my friends lately when we get away. I don't feel like my life is crappy as I did previously...

You can really learn a lot about your friends and see some interesting things. (wink wink) I'm glad my people rock and have nothing to hide-I would hate to find out somebody had a little secret and then everything goes to hell and the trip gets ruined. That would suck to a level I'd probably end up comparing to a day at work...

Not much here, just wanted to post something as it's been a while and gloat about having awesome friends...

Mass email at work about chicken.

I got bored at work last week, and sent out the following email.
"In regards to the chicken and the egg, that's splendid. But the real question is which kind of chicken came first? We can rule out fried chicken, because cavemen didn't have fryers. I am thinking baked chicken or broiled chicken and it was cooked over a fire. And when was barbeque sauce invented? THESE are the important questions that matter.
Ian"
A bunch of people responded you so crazy oh my gawd no he didn't. Then,I got a response from Ken.
"OK, I'm thinking Rotisserie was the first kind as most cavemen had open fires and ovens came about much later. BBQ I bet cam very shortly after when cavemen first dropped the chicken they're cooking in maybe some fruit they were eating cause they wanted to check the chicken to see if it was done, and then continued to cook it."
Upon which, I got an email from Alex. She said:
"What about Buffalo sauce FOR the chicken. Did cavemen get the idea from the buffalo they were hunting? And what PART of the buffalo tastes that spicy but good? I will spend ALL DAY pondering these critical things.... "
I was excited. People were actually taking their busy work day to ponder delicious chicken with me. So, I forwarded Alex's reply to Ken. His response followed.
"To answer this one needs to know some history about the Buffalo: Back in Caveman days the buffalo was no as we know it today. Back about one hundred thousand years ago when primitive man was first getting in to groups to hunt larger beasts there was a fearsome creature that roamed the vast icy planes. These beasts were large fire breathing Bison. Many Cavemen died in these massive hunts but the end result was well worth the sacrifice. These gigantic creatures would feed the semi-nomadic people for months and the bonus was the fire gland. This was dried and ground up and then added to some stores of condensed Bison blood. This was slathered all over the meat as they slowly cooked the hard earned kill. The hot and spicy concoction was the worlds first "Buffalo Sauce". That recipe has since changed but the idea of a hot spicy sauce for food lives on to this day. And the name is derived from the ancient fire breathing "Buffalo". This is mostly all factual information by the way."
So, take some time to think about the chicken and ponder the different aspects of yum yum good.
(Yeah, I know I'm simple.)

Crackheads on Craigslist

So, I am trying to get rid of my old Legos, and they didn't sell on ebay. So I tried Craigslist and got a few responses. At first, this seemed legit, but read the last one. Woah.

Hello, I'm Dave .I am interested in your[AD]and I'll like to know your last offering price and to see the pics and to know the present condition if it will be okay with me.I'll be making my payment Immediately.If you do I want you to get in touch with me immediately for me to proceed with the Payment. As for the shipping I'll contact a shipping agent of mine who will arranged for the Pick up as soon as the transaction is sealed.I'll be looking forward to your response. Thanks and Have a Nice day. Regards Dave.



Hello,Thanks for the fast reply,i appreciate your desire in selling your( Lego's-Vintage Shell) to me,as regards Having made me to know the asking price for your (Lego's-Vintage Shell),i will be glad if we can go ahead with the transaction right away.This is a little more about me... I am 38 years of age.i am very nice ,caring, honest, responsible, hardworking, reliable and social.i like watching movies swimming and running and reading too. I don't go to late parties , do not smoke nor drink. i am ve-ry passionate, i like to share ideas with others.All this attributes i guess you will finally see for your self if i get in. But less i forget, sometimes aggressive when provoked to an extent. ..However,i will have to issue you with a money order from U.S bank in the amount of $3,500 as this will also cover the expenses of my shipper who will be coming over to your address to pick the (Lego's-Vintage Shell)and other goods that i am purchasing in the states for en-shipment..I ought to have paid you separatel! !! ! ! ! y,but due to the policy of the company paying me off,they would only issue one check on the amount..,all you need do is to forward the outstanding amount of the funds to my shipper on receipt of receiving the payment,you will send the funds to my shipper immediately for him to come over and pick the (Lego's-Vintage Shell) for en-shipment to me here in (CANADA)....If this sounds alright! with you,please,provide me with your ......RECIPIENT'S FULL NAME (NAME ON WHICH THE CHEC K SHOU LD BE PAID UNTO)MAILING ADDRESS (YOUR POSTAL ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER UNTO WHICH THE CHECK-PAYMENT SHOULD BE SENT TO)Best Regards....Dave.............

First day as a claims examiner.

So, I got this lady inquiring about her claim. Blah blah blah winter home blah blah blah summer home blah blah blah. So, I let her talk about how wonderful her life is while I live in the united nations and it's hard to find someone who speaks ENGLISH. I mute the call and start mimicking her. Then, with the phone still muted I said "Shut up lady. Buy me a Volvo!" Two coworkers on the other side of the room bust out laughing. One shot soda out her nose. Anycrap, I had to send a letter to the administration to send the damn check to where ever the hell she was. This is about how it was:

Could you make sure that the check gets set to her NEW York address. That is her summer home, but she is going to go there because the weather is favorable, and she will not be at her winter home so we need to send the check to the summer home because that is where she is going to be. I did not ask her why she would be at her summer home during the winter, even with the favorable weather, because I was afraid she would tell me. So, could you look into this? Ms. XXXXXX would appreciate that greatly. Toodles.

So, many of my settings haven't been changed since I came over her to the Claims Department from Customer Service. I am doing my first day's worth of work, and go to deny a claim. I get an error message, stating I am not authorized to DENY the claim at this time. I got denied trying to deny someone. Well, I will just send a letter out stating we are going to need documentation of his operation on his sphinctor and then deny at a later time. DON"T BUY TRAVEL INSURANCE AFTER YOU INJURE YOURSELF. We require documentation from real Dr's not just play actors on tv. Yup.

lately

The cat and I are about to watch the fast and the furious. Tibby loves Paul Walker, but I don't think she cared for his lastest movie-sharks and the carribean and all. Pussy.

I've been really not busy at work and done a lot of ebay and forwarding of emails. I promise to stop. I realized I may have lost a bit of control when my friend Brad sent me this: "Dude, you're worse than the Penile Enlargement email I get!" Once again, I do apologize. But I promise to send only good crap from now on.

I am going to the BAHAMAS in april on a cruise. I've never been and I am really jazzed. I know I will be missed at work, but if they can't do their jobs without me by now they are a bunch of f***ing idiots. I'm going to the Bahamas

Lesbian Angst. I miss my soulmate. We had planned big dreams in life during those impressionable years of high school and freshman-junior years of college. But things started slipping and slipping and slipping. Then it was me making the obligatory 6 month check in call to make sure she and whatever new lover she had were okay. After calling her parents twice, and getting her stoned brother I just give up. No lipstick lesbian wife for me and hot threesomes. Or just watching. Whatever, I am a simple man that doesn't demand much. Funny, I haven't had sex in 4 years.

My boss got fired again, and my raise is going to suck. I had one "focus session" where we sit down and talk about my performance in 6 months. Apparently, when her boss did the evaluations only a few met their performance goal. So, I will only be getting a 3.25% raise this year because my yearly standard was 90.88%, which is below the required 92%. So, I have a meeting with Human resources tomorrow, although technically the figures have already been submitted. BTW, my boss was canned for the second time due to everyone one her team making the same complaint. How am I to know that I am not meeting expectations if no one tells me? Yet, I am a senior associate and act as a supervisor(of course without the pay)

And lithotripsy #2 was not sucessful. I still have that damned kidney stone moving around inside of my body.

I am not pissed at humanity, just a bit disappointed. Thank the lord tomorrow is payday or i might go shoot someone.

I'm a trader...

Any followers of my blog may realize that I don't update everyday like I used to.....I admit I became a bit addicted to MYSPACE. I started finding all of my old friends and coworkers and the likewise, and became a bit of a myspace whore. I turned my back on my blog-I didn't have the power and social energy to do both....so I let my blog have some space. I mean there is only so much time during an 8 hr shift that you can avoid doing real work. I was actual looking at Mike's dream diary more than my own. For a while, I was posting my blog here and at myspace-a true backstabber. So, I can rant about wanting a Suzuki crotch rocket and how I want to move to California or somewhere interesting and get out of this craphole called Virginia. Oh my.

Little thinker

When I was a kid, I listened to these tapes called Little Thinker that were suppossed to stimulate kids to think, and then draw a picture. This was actually busy work/ cheap babysitting for my parents. I remember a poem from the tapes still to this day. It's a story about Ira Ferd.

There was a little boy,
his name was Ira Ferd.
He did not like to walk,
and so he rode a bird.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! Flying upside down.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! You're such a silly clown.
But clever little Ira Ferd,
he did not mind the names.
He knew they were just jealous
cuz they could not do the same.

Boy, my life is wonderful that I remember such interesting items from childhood.

I am a movie star/ california housewives.

I just had Lithotripsy last week and they gave me painkillers for when the kidney pushed its way through my body and the jagged edges caused pain. I don't care much for drugs, but the pain was a bit unbearable at times. I took the painkiller and it dulled the pain. And it kind of made it feel like I was floating around. Not bad. Actually, it was great. It was really great. Now I understand why all these Cali housewives and moviestars are addicted to painkillers. It made me feel all smooth and happy. I wanted to get in my BMW and drive on down to Starbucks and get a mocha lotte before going to rip someone a new @$$/shoplift the latest fashions. Yup.

Gotta love Wikipedia.

I admit my cracker @$$ had no clue what a street sweeper is. I am just not urban enough anymore. So, I have WIKIPEDIA on the internet. I secretly have used it for this and that, but could not pronounce it. So anycrap, I started searching around on the site and realized its got everything here. And links to items associated with everything. Wow. What a way to blow 4 hours at work. Awesome.

New Years Resolutions.

1. Get in shape. I am joining a gym so that I can get into shape. I am tired of walking by windows and sucking in so that I look built not just out of shape. I am tired of not fitting into pants I fit into 3 months ago, as well as having an entire closet filled with clothes I haven't fit into in 3 years. I am not bying any more fat boy clothes either.

2. Diet. I need to change my diet so that I don't develop diabetes like my father and so that my body can run more efficently. I need to diet so I am not a fat slob. This means no more soda (bad for kidney stones)diet or non-diet {probably first resolution to pulverize}, no more processed sugar (except for Godiva), low fat non trans fat foods and all that crap. I've already started with keeping the food diary. I am focusing on portion control, and implementing all 4 food groups. Not just pizza, fries, burgers and cake. I am learning a lot from DIETING FOR DUMMIES as well as THE MAKER'S DIET.

3. Work on my attitude. I need to be less staunch at work and not so standoffish with customers. The calls are recorded and we do get graded on random calls. I have had no bad calls, but somehow a call that was pulled changed our policy on disconnecting calls from customers who use vulgar language. Apparently, I was CONFRONTATIVE with a customer and this is why they began to cuss at me. Yes, I agree-I too think that is a vicious lie, but I am not the powers that be.

4. I will not mess with my hair. This means NO DYING OR CUTTING. I am not in the military anymore, so I don't need a military cut. As for the dying-you think I'd learn my lesson by now. EVERYTIME I DO DYE MY HAIR, I REALIZE HOW BAD IT LOOKS WHEN IT DRYS. Except that one time, but everyone else said it looked really bad. I am not going to look like a golden retriever or a fat Eminem this year.

5. Keep track of all expenses. I am going to keep a shoebox filled with receipts from all of my purchases this year. I will not make frivolous purchases, as I do not have space for any CRAP.

6. I will TRY to not make fun of idiots, both blatantly or secretively. I will not judge others and I'll try to be less shallow this year. Yeah.

Skiing at Wintergreen.

I went skiing at wintergreen the day after christmas. Actually snowboarding and blading. I realized while snowboarding that I am tired of winter activities and that this was way too much work for such little fun. I learned to ski at wintergreen when I was 3 years old. Either I am a fast learner, or my mom drives a bottle of vodka. I'll have to ask my dad. Regardless, I decided that I was tired of this when I busted my @$$ within 5 seconds of beginning down the hill. The rest of the run was flawless, until I planted getting off the lift. That run was flawless as well, and I did do a bit of showing out. But my feet weren't used to my snowboard boots, so my arches are literally in pain. I decided to try my mom's ski blades. I grabbed my ski boots (I took my board and skis-turns out my skis are so old that they can't calibrate them due to liability issues) and, with a few minor adjustments, was ready to take off on the blades. Blades are smaller than kid's skis and have rounded edges. My mom had said they would be slow because they were the small ones or some crap like that. WRONG. I learned quick that weight had a LOT to do with velocity on these blades. I am sure that there were sparks coming from my feet as I took off down the hill. It was like national lampoon's christmas vacation and the sledding thing when clark put the food additive on the thing.

So, I am flying down the hill-I think I hit a few people with my poles-and that's when the inevitable happens. I am used to young kids who have no idea what they are doing run into me on the slopes at least 1 time per trip. Apparently, the blades were on a vendetta, avenging me to non skiing little punks on the slopes. I was flying down the hill at 40 mph and I flew through a church group while screaming cuss words, and then I ended up taking out these 4 kids. Yeah, all at the same time. Seriously, it was like human bowling. I skiied over this one kid and I think he was crying and saying something about my weight. THAT"S JUST RUDE-he didn't know me-he has no right to comment on my weight. So, after I skied over him, I did a triple lutz and slid down the hill at 40 mph for a quarter of a mile. Some other kid came over and helped was helping me up, but then he started talking funny and I couldn't understand him. I looked over at him, and I think I inadvertantly used his face as leverage to get up off the ground. In reality, I used his shoulder for support and this tightened his scarf over his mouth and he couldn't speak. As soon as I was up, the skis took off and I left my poles with the kid inadvertantly. I crashed really good at the bottom of the hill and slid headfirst for another quarter of a mile, and this time my pants decided to open up and take some snow home. In my pants. And underwear.

Cats.

This woman just called me. We pull up her insurance policy, and she tells me that she is taking both of her cats. She wants one of the cats to ride in the bottom of the plane with the other animals, and she wants the other one to ride in the cabin with her. I tell her that she needs to call the airline to find out. Now, a few thoughts.

How much does favoritism does she show to Fluffy that Mr Cat doesn't get.

How inconsiderate of others is this catwoman?

Has Mr Cat realized this, and what clothing of said woman has been distroyed as the result?

Wouldn't the air pressure rupture the cat's ear drums?

I am really pissed about something else right now, and am trying to take my mind off that crap. Regardless, If I was on this flight and had to deal with two hours of cat crys, I'd probably trip the woman as she exited the plane and rescue the cat from whatever other #### it has to endure.

9:32 Saturday night.

this is my weekend to work, and I am sitting here at work-listening to some song about some guy pulling on his laffy taffee, checking email and reviewing my 401k. I am thinking about changing this from conservative to aggressive. yeah, i have no idea of what that means either (if you said that). looking at all of these charts and stuff, I realized that this is that class i slept through at VCU. i am working all of this overtime and i was going to buy everyone a chia pet for christmas-until i saw that they are 19.95 for each one and the two people who sit next around me. anycrap, not gonna happen. i am so glad i am finding all of these old friends on myspace. yup that's tight.

Whoa....sometimes the customer is wrong.

www.phonelosers.org

www.customerssuck.com

My ever-expanding waistline

I am mad. Really hopping mad. At my waistline. Yup, something in my control. So, I go to wear pants today. I go to put on pants. Pants go on just fine. I go to zip up and button pants and this turns out to be a major task-more impossible than stealing candy from a baby. I never got into said pants. Now, I am filled with rage because I can't fit into pants and feel this craziness festering inside of me and I want to knock over a convenience store or something.

Unnecessary worry

Whenever I use the stove/oven, I know I left this on.

I worry that someone at work will kill my fish by knocking it over, or just plain eating him when they get hungry.

I worry that I will eat all of my food up before we go grocery shopping again.

I worry the cat will piss on my down conforter, so I don't use it. And if I do, I keep my door closed.

That's all for now.

My life as it relates to a cheeseburger.

the bun is moist and soft, just like my waistline. yup, that's gross. i am a conglomeration of condiments and processed meat on covered in big mac sauce. there are tomato slices which like many of my ideas, spoil unless acted swiftly upon. The lettuce is good for you, but it is crunchy and tasteless-like some of the things I've said and done, and on par with my functioning capability early in the morning. The beef is fast food restaurant style-not grade A or Angus, but definately not grade F. The pickles are a little bitter, kind of like my self esteem and paying the consequences for my bad decisions. Onions add to the whole experience, but naturally come with smell, as do my feet. Ketchup (catsup really infuriates me-it is a man made product, so let's go with the made up name-not the one that looks real) reiterates the tomato, and beats a dead horse. But ketchup and tomato are not the same. They are different. Okay, that is how my life relates to a cheeseburger.

20 Thoughts for getting through any crisis.

1. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a geniune lack of preparation.

4. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

5. The facts, althought interesting, are irrelevant.

6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

10. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

12. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

13. Ther is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

17. One seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

18. By the time you make ends meet, the ends have moved.

19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.