Skiing at Wintergreen.

I went skiing at wintergreen the day after christmas. Actually snowboarding and blading. I realized while snowboarding that I am tired of winter activities and that this was way too much work for such little fun. I learned to ski at wintergreen when I was 3 years old. Either I am a fast learner, or my mom drives a bottle of vodka. I'll have to ask my dad. Regardless, I decided that I was tired of this when I busted my @$$ within 5 seconds of beginning down the hill. The rest of the run was flawless, until I planted getting off the lift. That run was flawless as well, and I did do a bit of showing out. But my feet weren't used to my snowboard boots, so my arches are literally in pain. I decided to try my mom's ski blades. I grabbed my ski boots (I took my board and skis-turns out my skis are so old that they can't calibrate them due to liability issues) and, with a few minor adjustments, was ready to take off on the blades. Blades are smaller than kid's skis and have rounded edges. My mom had said they would be slow because they were the small ones or some crap like that. WRONG. I learned quick that weight had a LOT to do with velocity on these blades. I am sure that there were sparks coming from my feet as I took off down the hill. It was like national lampoon's christmas vacation and the sledding thing when clark put the food additive on the thing.

So, I am flying down the hill-I think I hit a few people with my poles-and that's when the inevitable happens. I am used to young kids who have no idea what they are doing run into me on the slopes at least 1 time per trip. Apparently, the blades were on a vendetta, avenging me to non skiing little punks on the slopes. I was flying down the hill at 40 mph and I flew through a church group while screaming cuss words, and then I ended up taking out these 4 kids. Yeah, all at the same time. Seriously, it was like human bowling. I skiied over this one kid and I think he was crying and saying something about my weight. THAT"S JUST RUDE-he didn't know me-he has no right to comment on my weight. So, after I skied over him, I did a triple lutz and slid down the hill at 40 mph for a quarter of a mile. Some other kid came over and helped was helping me up, but then he started talking funny and I couldn't understand him. I looked over at him, and I think I inadvertantly used his face as leverage to get up off the ground. In reality, I used his shoulder for support and this tightened his scarf over his mouth and he couldn't speak. As soon as I was up, the skis took off and I left my poles with the kid inadvertantly. I crashed really good at the bottom of the hill and slid headfirst for another quarter of a mile, and this time my pants decided to open up and take some snow home. In my pants. And underwear.

Cats.

This woman just called me. We pull up her insurance policy, and she tells me that she is taking both of her cats. She wants one of the cats to ride in the bottom of the plane with the other animals, and she wants the other one to ride in the cabin with her. I tell her that she needs to call the airline to find out. Now, a few thoughts.

How much does favoritism does she show to Fluffy that Mr Cat doesn't get.

How inconsiderate of others is this catwoman?

Has Mr Cat realized this, and what clothing of said woman has been distroyed as the result?

Wouldn't the air pressure rupture the cat's ear drums?

I am really pissed about something else right now, and am trying to take my mind off that crap. Regardless, If I was on this flight and had to deal with two hours of cat crys, I'd probably trip the woman as she exited the plane and rescue the cat from whatever other #### it has to endure.

9:32 Saturday night.

this is my weekend to work, and I am sitting here at work-listening to some song about some guy pulling on his laffy taffee, checking email and reviewing my 401k. I am thinking about changing this from conservative to aggressive. yeah, i have no idea of what that means either (if you said that). looking at all of these charts and stuff, I realized that this is that class i slept through at VCU. i am working all of this overtime and i was going to buy everyone a chia pet for christmas-until i saw that they are 19.95 for each one and the two people who sit next around me. anycrap, not gonna happen. i am so glad i am finding all of these old friends on myspace. yup that's tight.

Whoa....sometimes the customer is wrong.

www.phonelosers.org

www.customerssuck.com

My ever-expanding waistline

I am mad. Really hopping mad. At my waistline. Yup, something in my control. So, I go to wear pants today. I go to put on pants. Pants go on just fine. I go to zip up and button pants and this turns out to be a major task-more impossible than stealing candy from a baby. I never got into said pants. Now, I am filled with rage because I can't fit into pants and feel this craziness festering inside of me and I want to knock over a convenience store or something.

Unnecessary worry

Whenever I use the stove/oven, I know I left this on.

I worry that someone at work will kill my fish by knocking it over, or just plain eating him when they get hungry.

I worry that I will eat all of my food up before we go grocery shopping again.

I worry the cat will piss on my down conforter, so I don't use it. And if I do, I keep my door closed.

That's all for now.

My life as it relates to a cheeseburger.

the bun is moist and soft, just like my waistline. yup, that's gross. i am a conglomeration of condiments and processed meat on covered in big mac sauce. there are tomato slices which like many of my ideas, spoil unless acted swiftly upon. The lettuce is good for you, but it is crunchy and tasteless-like some of the things I've said and done, and on par with my functioning capability early in the morning. The beef is fast food restaurant style-not grade A or Angus, but definately not grade F. The pickles are a little bitter, kind of like my self esteem and paying the consequences for my bad decisions. Onions add to the whole experience, but naturally come with smell, as do my feet. Ketchup (catsup really infuriates me-it is a man made product, so let's go with the made up name-not the one that looks real) reiterates the tomato, and beats a dead horse. But ketchup and tomato are not the same. They are different. Okay, that is how my life relates to a cheeseburger.

20 Thoughts for getting through any crisis.

1. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a geniune lack of preparation.

4. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

5. The facts, althought interesting, are irrelevant.

6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

10. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

12. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

13. Ther is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

17. One seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

18. By the time you make ends meet, the ends have moved.

19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

skipping stones/kidney stone #1-defeated

So, we all know by now I got the kidney stones. If you are lucky, you've heard about Dr Volvo and his pottymouth-Yes, he did say to me "So tonight, when you are f*****g some hooker and you can't nut, I don't want to get a call in the middle of the night cussing me out..."

Anycrap, stone 1 moved naturally down to my bladder and has been pressing on it for the last week. I pee every hour or so. Yeah, it sucks. So this morning, I get up to pee and I am in the bathroom. I start to urinate, and notice my pressure is off-so I use those kegel exercises to contract my bladder and increase pressure and then I get this odd sensation as the stone is exiting my body and I said"that's not right", and then I heard pa ting ting ting! and then said "that's definately not right" as the stone ricochets off the sides of the toilet.

So, I go online to yahoo images to look at kidney stones and make sure that's what I just passed-not some fossilized barbie shoe or something that my cousin has been missing for 20+ years. It is a kidney stone-and looks like a minature coral reef or something. Yup.

Damn. Sometimes I swear that I must be retarded.

?

Working the weekend sucks.

I don't know how you could have a good weekend, if you are working. Well, I did this in college so at least I only have to do this once a month now. Anycrap, it could be viewed as good-I am staying out of trouble (I AM NOT LOOKING AT PORN ON THE INTERNET) and I am not out knocking over a liquor store, so ?

The more I think and type, the more my head tilts like Forest Gump and his son. Dang

Weird Dream

Adam Campen, Laura and I are standing in the yard of this house from children of the corn and it is pitch black. Laura gets my attention, and tells me to look across the field. There is a cop car hiding in the middle of the corn field, so I decide not to get rid of the gun.

We turn around and walk across the street and are suddenly in a residential neighborhood. We climb the bush infested enbankment of someone's front yard. I wipe the prints off the gun, and hide it under a plant. We go in the house.

I go to the bathroom and when I come back, Hayride John is there. He is wearing this hideous Pink/orange shirt and pants and glaring at me. Laura and Adam are on opposite sides of the room staring at cobwebs or whatever, so they don't have to talk to John.

"Where is the murder weapon?" he asks me-I know he is asking me because I can't get away with lying. I can't even tell a bad lie. So, I respond with "the murder weapon is not a gun, and it is definately not in the front yard."

There are two cops in the doorway; they are dressed as drummer boys/nutcrackers with all black except for the black cherry leather vests. John tells me that I am not in trouble, the cops can check the finger prints off of the gun. I tell him they can't because I wiped them off.

The dream ends with me telling him that "We can't be responsible for the murder because we don't know who was murdered and don't know where the body is." And then it ends with everyone being completely satisfied with that answer as proof of our innocence.

Hayride is over

It's now November and the Hayride is over. That sucks. It seems that one time a year, we all come together and have some fun and then bam it's over. Yup. I got to do everything this year-even parking lot when I killed my back. I worked on the hayride and in scream forest with the kids. I feel really old at times. I devised a plan to protect L'Aura from Dustin-it was suppossed to be done by both Little and Big Jeremy-when L'Aura said "It's go time Jeremy"and they would surround him and just start asking him questions and not give him a chance to answer. Big Jeremy didn't go for it. But Little Jeremy answered the call, and from what I hear it was funny as can be.

Will anything go right?

I am sitting here with a pressurized system-I ate Hooter's 911 hot wings earlier and am paying for it now. I did not know I was THIS damned old that this would be happening to me. The last time I had a stomach that hurt this bad was sometime during being 21 where I got smashed and ate HOT BANANNA PEPPERS and then had some BIRTHDAY CAKE.

I WISH that something would go right and good for me sometime. Atleast I've got my health, and all the problems associated with that.

Trying to make this friday night pass while here at work

One thing I don't mind about working this job is the fact that I am trapped to a desk every Friday night til midnight. A few years ago, this would not have even been possible. Me, at work on a friday night? Bahaha. Yet I am perfectly fine. Well, this last hour is draging so I am going to have some coffee. Tomorrow, we go to the mall dressed up as Zombies and walk around and moan while pretending to be dead and scare the yuppies back to their bmws and range rovers.

My boss snuck up behind me and startled the crap out of me. And I am suppossed to be the one who jumps out of the woods to scare people.

Woodrow Wilson Class of 1996, Beckley WV

I just found this interesting link and am checking up on people I know.
http://www.wwhsalumni.org/1996.html

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Beckley, WVDate: Monday, June 14, 2004Comments: Has anyone heard anything about our 10yr class reunion? I'm looking forward to seeing everybody again. I decided to buy a Chevy Tahoe instead of the Blazer...so if ya still live in Beckley and your windows rattle from the stereo of a Gold SUV with a chrome brushguard with a skull & crossbones on the front license plate...it's me you're cussin'!!! I hope everyone "I like" is doin good in life....and i still haven't heard from Amber McFarland, so if anybody sees her tell her to email me.....take care....and keep your ears open for my band...."White Noise"

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Bradley, WVDate: Friday, March 05, 2004Comments: Hello again people! Well, let's see....I was robbed and shot in a Days Inn Hotel back in August 2000 with my fiance' Cassie Everhart (the one i messed it up with!! She took me back after months of begging and pleading). We sued the hotel and we just came back from Southern Pines, NC today from settling the case. We got quite a hefty sum of money which we'll have in about 20 days from now. I'm buying a new ZR-2 Blazer and a crotch rocket right off the bat. The rest will go to my education. I've decided to get my Bachelor of Science Degree in "Multimedia Software Programming and Video Game Design." I'm soo looking forward to it. Cassie and I are getting married outdoors this September. We're then moving to Denver, CO to get our educations there. She wants to be a Veterinarian. I hope all of you are doing well.....by the way, if anyone sees or hears from Amber McFarland, tell her i would love to talk with her online or over the phone or whatever...i'd love to know how she's doing...... I'll fill ya in on the Trials & Tribulations of the infamous Justin Elswick as they occur !LMAO!

Justin EClass of: 1996Now living in: Prosperity, WVDate: Friday, August 22, 2003Comments: Well....let's see...i always figured i was voted most likely to do time in prison...well....i did!!! Just got out last December 1st 2002...for the 2nd time. I'm living back at home now. I own my own business. "Smoother Audio and Video Production & PC Repair", and i'm about to own a second business within the next few months. I learned how to fix computers while doing time locked up, so i guess it was all for the best..even though i can't say i learned any lessons from it really. I'm still up to no good...as always. I just bought a new truck. Big jacked up red Chevy pickup. I'm all tattooed up now....and not finished either! I was with a great girl...Cassie Everhart for like 7yrs, engaged and everything...till i messed it all up with this lil ho named Heather Buzminsky!!! What a mistake that was. Now i'm in search again for a good girl with her head on straight...or at least as straight as mine. I'd love to hear from any of you who wanna contact me....unless it's to run your mouth....than just come and see me and i'll fix that for you too!!!! Well......write me and i'll write ya back!!!!Justin

Squirrels on Crack and bird spitting

Saturday, I came out of Pizza Hut and when I came around the corner, I spit up some gob of stuff. I didn't expect anything to move, just to hear a splat. Something moved, so I glanced down to see what it was. Unfortunately, There is this baby bird on the sidewalk trying to shake the gob of crap that some giant @$$ just spit on him. I learned that from now on, I must look where I am going to spit.

Squirrels on crack
Oct 7 2005
South London Press

NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes.
The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.
Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts.
Story continues

But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets.
Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night.
Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics.
The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction. One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press.
"I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.
"An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.
"It looked like it knew what it was looking for.
"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.
"It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."
Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US.
They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.
The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.
An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.

http://icsouthlondon.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0400lambeth/tm_objectid=16217629&method=full&siteid=50100&headline=squirrels-on-crack-name_page.html

Newsworthy interest

March.02.04 : Tuesday
A freaking rooster!Dechardonae Gaines, 2, was toddling down the sidewalk Monday lugging her Easy Bake Oven when she became the victim in one of the weirder animal attack cases police can recall.In the cluster of beige houses at Lime Street and Safford Avenue where Dechardonae lives, man and chicken have coexisted peacefully for years in quiet defiance of city ordinance.That ended Monday afternoon, when authorities apprehended the offending rooster, named Rockadoodle Two, and its sister, named Hen. Hen was not involved in the attack, police said.

http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=1184

Guys and girls

Guy: I'd go through anything for u
Gurl: Good lets start with ur bank acount

Guy: Hey, c'mon, we're both here at the bar for the same reason
Gurl: Yeah lets go pick up some chicks

Guy: Havent i seen u some place before?
Gurl: Yes thats y i dont go there anymore

Guy: Ur place or mine
Gurl: Both u go to urs and ill go to mine

Guy: Is this seat empty?
Gurl: Yes and this one will be if u sit down

Guy: So what do u do for living
Gurl: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: Hey baby whats ur sign
Gurl: Do not enter

Guy: I would go to the end of the world 4 u
Gurl: But would u stay there

Guy: If i saw u naked i'd be happy
Gurl: If i saw u naked i"d be laughing

Guy: I want to give myself to u
Gurl: Sorry i dont accept cheap gifts

Guy: I know how to please a women
Gurl: Then go the hell away from me

Guy: Whats ur phone ..
Gurl: Its in a phone book

Guy: But I dont know ur name
Gurl: Thats also in a phone book

Outsourcing to India

So, due to the nature of my work, I speak with a discount travel service provider that begins with a vowel's customer service representatives frequently. Now, one thing I've noticed is they usually have an Indian or Middle Eastern accent. Just this evening, while talking to "Pete" who sounds like a guy I know named Muhanned, I realized that everyone I've ever talked to at (company in question) who has a heavy Middle Eastern accent has some super swell, apple pie name like Suzy or Tom or Bob or Jane. Not once have I talked with Samir, Rajmal or Habib. I guess that an enterprizing company such as (company in question) knows its US customers might be a bit sore about outsourcing to the Middle east, so they renamed everyone there so you wouldn't feel that bad when you couldn't understand what Suzy was saying because he accent was so thick you were sure she had stopped speaking English, and was now speaking Farsey or Arabic.