lately

The cat and I are about to watch the fast and the furious. Tibby loves Paul Walker, but I don't think she cared for his lastest movie-sharks and the carribean and all. Pussy.

I've been really not busy at work and done a lot of ebay and forwarding of emails. I promise to stop. I realized I may have lost a bit of control when my friend Brad sent me this: "Dude, you're worse than the Penile Enlargement email I get!" Once again, I do apologize. But I promise to send only good crap from now on.

I am going to the BAHAMAS in april on a cruise. I've never been and I am really jazzed. I know I will be missed at work, but if they can't do their jobs without me by now they are a bunch of f***ing idiots. I'm going to the Bahamas

Lesbian Angst. I miss my soulmate. We had planned big dreams in life during those impressionable years of high school and freshman-junior years of college. But things started slipping and slipping and slipping. Then it was me making the obligatory 6 month check in call to make sure she and whatever new lover she had were okay. After calling her parents twice, and getting her stoned brother I just give up. No lipstick lesbian wife for me and hot threesomes. Or just watching. Whatever, I am a simple man that doesn't demand much. Funny, I haven't had sex in 4 years.

My boss got fired again, and my raise is going to suck. I had one "focus session" where we sit down and talk about my performance in 6 months. Apparently, when her boss did the evaluations only a few met their performance goal. So, I will only be getting a 3.25% raise this year because my yearly standard was 90.88%, which is below the required 92%. So, I have a meeting with Human resources tomorrow, although technically the figures have already been submitted. BTW, my boss was canned for the second time due to everyone one her team making the same complaint. How am I to know that I am not meeting expectations if no one tells me? Yet, I am a senior associate and act as a supervisor(of course without the pay)

And lithotripsy #2 was not sucessful. I still have that damned kidney stone moving around inside of my body.

I am not pissed at humanity, just a bit disappointed. Thank the lord tomorrow is payday or i might go shoot someone.

I'm a trader...

Any followers of my blog may realize that I don't update everyday like I used to.....I admit I became a bit addicted to MYSPACE. I started finding all of my old friends and coworkers and the likewise, and became a bit of a myspace whore. I turned my back on my blog-I didn't have the power and social energy to do both....so I let my blog have some space. I mean there is only so much time during an 8 hr shift that you can avoid doing real work. I was actual looking at Mike's dream diary more than my own. For a while, I was posting my blog here and at myspace-a true backstabber. So, I can rant about wanting a Suzuki crotch rocket and how I want to move to California or somewhere interesting and get out of this craphole called Virginia. Oh my.

Little thinker

When I was a kid, I listened to these tapes called Little Thinker that were suppossed to stimulate kids to think, and then draw a picture. This was actually busy work/ cheap babysitting for my parents. I remember a poem from the tapes still to this day. It's a story about Ira Ferd.

There was a little boy,
his name was Ira Ferd.
He did not like to walk,
and so he rode a bird.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! Flying upside down.
Ira Ferd! Ira Ferd! You're such a silly clown.
But clever little Ira Ferd,
he did not mind the names.
He knew they were just jealous
cuz they could not do the same.

Boy, my life is wonderful that I remember such interesting items from childhood.

I am a movie star/ california housewives.

I just had Lithotripsy last week and they gave me painkillers for when the kidney pushed its way through my body and the jagged edges caused pain. I don't care much for drugs, but the pain was a bit unbearable at times. I took the painkiller and it dulled the pain. And it kind of made it feel like I was floating around. Not bad. Actually, it was great. It was really great. Now I understand why all these Cali housewives and moviestars are addicted to painkillers. It made me feel all smooth and happy. I wanted to get in my BMW and drive on down to Starbucks and get a mocha lotte before going to rip someone a new @$$/shoplift the latest fashions. Yup.

Gotta love Wikipedia.

I admit my cracker @$$ had no clue what a street sweeper is. I am just not urban enough anymore. So, I have WIKIPEDIA on the internet. I secretly have used it for this and that, but could not pronounce it. So anycrap, I started searching around on the site and realized its got everything here. And links to items associated with everything. Wow. What a way to blow 4 hours at work. Awesome.

New Years Resolutions.

1. Get in shape. I am joining a gym so that I can get into shape. I am tired of walking by windows and sucking in so that I look built not just out of shape. I am tired of not fitting into pants I fit into 3 months ago, as well as having an entire closet filled with clothes I haven't fit into in 3 years. I am not bying any more fat boy clothes either.

2. Diet. I need to change my diet so that I don't develop diabetes like my father and so that my body can run more efficently. I need to diet so I am not a fat slob. This means no more soda (bad for kidney stones)diet or non-diet {probably first resolution to pulverize}, no more processed sugar (except for Godiva), low fat non trans fat foods and all that crap. I've already started with keeping the food diary. I am focusing on portion control, and implementing all 4 food groups. Not just pizza, fries, burgers and cake. I am learning a lot from DIETING FOR DUMMIES as well as THE MAKER'S DIET.

3. Work on my attitude. I need to be less staunch at work and not so standoffish with customers. The calls are recorded and we do get graded on random calls. I have had no bad calls, but somehow a call that was pulled changed our policy on disconnecting calls from customers who use vulgar language. Apparently, I was CONFRONTATIVE with a customer and this is why they began to cuss at me. Yes, I agree-I too think that is a vicious lie, but I am not the powers that be.

4. I will not mess with my hair. This means NO DYING OR CUTTING. I am not in the military anymore, so I don't need a military cut. As for the dying-you think I'd learn my lesson by now. EVERYTIME I DO DYE MY HAIR, I REALIZE HOW BAD IT LOOKS WHEN IT DRYS. Except that one time, but everyone else said it looked really bad. I am not going to look like a golden retriever or a fat Eminem this year.

5. Keep track of all expenses. I am going to keep a shoebox filled with receipts from all of my purchases this year. I will not make frivolous purchases, as I do not have space for any CRAP.

6. I will TRY to not make fun of idiots, both blatantly or secretively. I will not judge others and I'll try to be less shallow this year. Yeah.

Skiing at Wintergreen.

I went skiing at wintergreen the day after christmas. Actually snowboarding and blading. I realized while snowboarding that I am tired of winter activities and that this was way too much work for such little fun. I learned to ski at wintergreen when I was 3 years old. Either I am a fast learner, or my mom drives a bottle of vodka. I'll have to ask my dad. Regardless, I decided that I was tired of this when I busted my @$$ within 5 seconds of beginning down the hill. The rest of the run was flawless, until I planted getting off the lift. That run was flawless as well, and I did do a bit of showing out. But my feet weren't used to my snowboard boots, so my arches are literally in pain. I decided to try my mom's ski blades. I grabbed my ski boots (I took my board and skis-turns out my skis are so old that they can't calibrate them due to liability issues) and, with a few minor adjustments, was ready to take off on the blades. Blades are smaller than kid's skis and have rounded edges. My mom had said they would be slow because they were the small ones or some crap like that. WRONG. I learned quick that weight had a LOT to do with velocity on these blades. I am sure that there were sparks coming from my feet as I took off down the hill. It was like national lampoon's christmas vacation and the sledding thing when clark put the food additive on the thing.

So, I am flying down the hill-I think I hit a few people with my poles-and that's when the inevitable happens. I am used to young kids who have no idea what they are doing run into me on the slopes at least 1 time per trip. Apparently, the blades were on a vendetta, avenging me to non skiing little punks on the slopes. I was flying down the hill at 40 mph and I flew through a church group while screaming cuss words, and then I ended up taking out these 4 kids. Yeah, all at the same time. Seriously, it was like human bowling. I skiied over this one kid and I think he was crying and saying something about my weight. THAT"S JUST RUDE-he didn't know me-he has no right to comment on my weight. So, after I skied over him, I did a triple lutz and slid down the hill at 40 mph for a quarter of a mile. Some other kid came over and helped was helping me up, but then he started talking funny and I couldn't understand him. I looked over at him, and I think I inadvertantly used his face as leverage to get up off the ground. In reality, I used his shoulder for support and this tightened his scarf over his mouth and he couldn't speak. As soon as I was up, the skis took off and I left my poles with the kid inadvertantly. I crashed really good at the bottom of the hill and slid headfirst for another quarter of a mile, and this time my pants decided to open up and take some snow home. In my pants. And underwear.

Cats.

This woman just called me. We pull up her insurance policy, and she tells me that she is taking both of her cats. She wants one of the cats to ride in the bottom of the plane with the other animals, and she wants the other one to ride in the cabin with her. I tell her that she needs to call the airline to find out. Now, a few thoughts.

How much does favoritism does she show to Fluffy that Mr Cat doesn't get.

How inconsiderate of others is this catwoman?

Has Mr Cat realized this, and what clothing of said woman has been distroyed as the result?

Wouldn't the air pressure rupture the cat's ear drums?

I am really pissed about something else right now, and am trying to take my mind off that crap. Regardless, If I was on this flight and had to deal with two hours of cat crys, I'd probably trip the woman as she exited the plane and rescue the cat from whatever other #### it has to endure.

9:32 Saturday night.

this is my weekend to work, and I am sitting here at work-listening to some song about some guy pulling on his laffy taffee, checking email and reviewing my 401k. I am thinking about changing this from conservative to aggressive. yeah, i have no idea of what that means either (if you said that). looking at all of these charts and stuff, I realized that this is that class i slept through at VCU. i am working all of this overtime and i was going to buy everyone a chia pet for christmas-until i saw that they are 19.95 for each one and the two people who sit next around me. anycrap, not gonna happen. i am so glad i am finding all of these old friends on myspace. yup that's tight.

Whoa....sometimes the customer is wrong.

www.phonelosers.org

www.customerssuck.com

My ever-expanding waistline

I am mad. Really hopping mad. At my waistline. Yup, something in my control. So, I go to wear pants today. I go to put on pants. Pants go on just fine. I go to zip up and button pants and this turns out to be a major task-more impossible than stealing candy from a baby. I never got into said pants. Now, I am filled with rage because I can't fit into pants and feel this craziness festering inside of me and I want to knock over a convenience store or something.

Unnecessary worry

Whenever I use the stove/oven, I know I left this on.

I worry that someone at work will kill my fish by knocking it over, or just plain eating him when they get hungry.

I worry that I will eat all of my food up before we go grocery shopping again.

I worry the cat will piss on my down conforter, so I don't use it. And if I do, I keep my door closed.

That's all for now.

My life as it relates to a cheeseburger.

the bun is moist and soft, just like my waistline. yup, that's gross. i am a conglomeration of condiments and processed meat on covered in big mac sauce. there are tomato slices which like many of my ideas, spoil unless acted swiftly upon. The lettuce is good for you, but it is crunchy and tasteless-like some of the things I've said and done, and on par with my functioning capability early in the morning. The beef is fast food restaurant style-not grade A or Angus, but definately not grade F. The pickles are a little bitter, kind of like my self esteem and paying the consequences for my bad decisions. Onions add to the whole experience, but naturally come with smell, as do my feet. Ketchup (catsup really infuriates me-it is a man made product, so let's go with the made up name-not the one that looks real) reiterates the tomato, and beats a dead horse. But ketchup and tomato are not the same. They are different. Okay, that is how my life relates to a cheeseburger.

20 Thoughts for getting through any crisis.

1. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a geniune lack of preparation.

4. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

5. The facts, althought interesting, are irrelevant.

6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

10. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

12. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

13. Ther is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

17. One seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

18. By the time you make ends meet, the ends have moved.

19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

skipping stones/kidney stone #1-defeated

So, we all know by now I got the kidney stones. If you are lucky, you've heard about Dr Volvo and his pottymouth-Yes, he did say to me "So tonight, when you are f*****g some hooker and you can't nut, I don't want to get a call in the middle of the night cussing me out..."

Anycrap, stone 1 moved naturally down to my bladder and has been pressing on it for the last week. I pee every hour or so. Yeah, it sucks. So this morning, I get up to pee and I am in the bathroom. I start to urinate, and notice my pressure is off-so I use those kegel exercises to contract my bladder and increase pressure and then I get this odd sensation as the stone is exiting my body and I said"that's not right", and then I heard pa ting ting ting! and then said "that's definately not right" as the stone ricochets off the sides of the toilet.

So, I go online to yahoo images to look at kidney stones and make sure that's what I just passed-not some fossilized barbie shoe or something that my cousin has been missing for 20+ years. It is a kidney stone-and looks like a minature coral reef or something. Yup.

Damn. Sometimes I swear that I must be retarded.

?

Working the weekend sucks.

I don't know how you could have a good weekend, if you are working. Well, I did this in college so at least I only have to do this once a month now. Anycrap, it could be viewed as good-I am staying out of trouble (I AM NOT LOOKING AT PORN ON THE INTERNET) and I am not out knocking over a liquor store, so ?

The more I think and type, the more my head tilts like Forest Gump and his son. Dang

Weird Dream

Adam Campen, Laura and I are standing in the yard of this house from children of the corn and it is pitch black. Laura gets my attention, and tells me to look across the field. There is a cop car hiding in the middle of the corn field, so I decide not to get rid of the gun.

We turn around and walk across the street and are suddenly in a residential neighborhood. We climb the bush infested enbankment of someone's front yard. I wipe the prints off the gun, and hide it under a plant. We go in the house.

I go to the bathroom and when I come back, Hayride John is there. He is wearing this hideous Pink/orange shirt and pants and glaring at me. Laura and Adam are on opposite sides of the room staring at cobwebs or whatever, so they don't have to talk to John.

"Where is the murder weapon?" he asks me-I know he is asking me because I can't get away with lying. I can't even tell a bad lie. So, I respond with "the murder weapon is not a gun, and it is definately not in the front yard."

There are two cops in the doorway; they are dressed as drummer boys/nutcrackers with all black except for the black cherry leather vests. John tells me that I am not in trouble, the cops can check the finger prints off of the gun. I tell him they can't because I wiped them off.

The dream ends with me telling him that "We can't be responsible for the murder because we don't know who was murdered and don't know where the body is." And then it ends with everyone being completely satisfied with that answer as proof of our innocence.

Hayride is over

It's now November and the Hayride is over. That sucks. It seems that one time a year, we all come together and have some fun and then bam it's over. Yup. I got to do everything this year-even parking lot when I killed my back. I worked on the hayride and in scream forest with the kids. I feel really old at times. I devised a plan to protect L'Aura from Dustin-it was suppossed to be done by both Little and Big Jeremy-when L'Aura said "It's go time Jeremy"and they would surround him and just start asking him questions and not give him a chance to answer. Big Jeremy didn't go for it. But Little Jeremy answered the call, and from what I hear it was funny as can be.

Will anything go right?

I am sitting here with a pressurized system-I ate Hooter's 911 hot wings earlier and am paying for it now. I did not know I was THIS damned old that this would be happening to me. The last time I had a stomach that hurt this bad was sometime during being 21 where I got smashed and ate HOT BANANNA PEPPERS and then had some BIRTHDAY CAKE.

I WISH that something would go right and good for me sometime. Atleast I've got my health, and all the problems associated with that.