People

Sometimes you meet people that just make you want to rip off their arms and beat them with them. "I hope these bastards didn't lay eggs" is the only thing running through your head the entire time that you are talking with them. This is many of the people I talk to while at work. "No, I don't need to do that because (insert bogus reason here). Who does (rule that person did not follow) anyway? This insurance is a scam."

People are quick to tell you that you are scamming them when you are dealing with their money. I worked in a bank for about a minute, and how about people really Jekyl and Hyde when you bring their money into the situation. True, many of them are stupid idiots who should not be given money in the first place, but we really can't stop anyone from giving them money and contributing to the delinquency of an idiot. If we did, then the united states would be in a world of hurt.

Idiots are fun though. Throw common sense out the window, and apply drunken logic. "Well, I have to cancel my trip because of medical reasons." Having mental problems and becoming afraid of planes on your travel day is not a medical reason. It is a mental reason and you are a f*#&up.

Now, when I answer the phone I say thank you for calling (company name). Three forths of the people who have policies with our company don't have their policy numbers, and 2/3 of them have no clue what their policy number is, and then half of them don't know what the f#&* a policy # is. Sorry about the confusion, I am currently talking with a *Special* person right now. "Oh what do you mean this isn't (Company X)?" I always bite my tongue as I refrain from saying something along the lines of "if this was (company X), I probably would have answered the phone as (company X). If you'd take your head out of your @$$ for just a moment and listen.....

Something ain't right in the neighborhood

Mr Rogers is a sick man. I watched the show today; Laura told me that the cat is fasinated by Mr Rogers. So, we watched. Actually, I watched. The cat could have given 2 s#8ts about Mr Rogers.

There is so much anger festering in Mr Rogers that it's scary. He is blatantly pissed at having a crappy job and was grinding his teeth during half of the song he was singing about wanting to be my friend. His use of the word special was so frequent, I am sure that if we were friends he would try to touch me in my special place where my bathing suit covers.
And how about the anger is just overflowing and I know they are going to find his basement filled with dead little boys.

Watch this show. I always thought it was lame and that something was was wrong. I didn't know what it is. I still can't put my finger on it. Take 30 minutes and watch the show. I couldn't make it even 10 minutes and let me know what you think.

Thursday posing as a Monday.

I should have realized today was going to suck when I answered the phone and found out Laura's car was on fire. Then, I go to do some Laundry and the hose came off and covered the floor in water right before leaving. And now, I am sitting here at work with GAS. Yup, and I can't just let them rip because there are people all around me. As there have been for the last 4 hours and 49 minutes. And people will be here for the next hour and 41 minutes. When everyone leaves, I am going to probably let one rip that has so much pressure that I'll surely get ejected from the chair. (I hope I don't fly through the air and hit a wall and get knocked the f*$% out....)

Gansta Accord and Easy Bake Ovens

So, yesterday this woman called and her son's dog died while she was visiting her son. The son wanted to bury the dog, and it home was in Georgia. So, mumma was going to take the dead dog from Las Vegas back home to Georgia. Mumma is at the airport, and her plane is delayed by bad weather and will not be flying til the next day. So, there is a lady in the airport with a dead dog in a cooler with ice over top of him....

Alex and I were reading the paper a few years ago, and I looked at my favorite part: News of the Weird. Now, the story that caught our eye was that this 4 year old girl was walking down the street dragging her Easy Bake Oven by the cord when she got attacked by a rooster or chicken or something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I will find out in a few days. I wonder how that little girl is doing.

Jason got his car back. Laura and I called the police and filed a report, and then I get this call from Jason. He and a friend went to a random convenience store, and saw a white Bonneville. Jason looked at the plates and realized this was his car. At this point, they followed the car and called the police. That is how Jason got his car back. Way to go with that fine detective work Henrico County. I didn't realize it was our job to find our stolen property and then call you to have you use your authority to recover the belongings. Yet, I can't drive anywhere without getting pulled if a cop is behind me....

I was going to pimp out the Accord. Va license "Gansta" :$26. Chrome ride spinner wheel covers: $40. Chopping off the roof with a chainsaw:$50. Driving a bling bling piece of ghetto cracktackular japanese rice: Priceless.

Excrement occurs. Then time washes it away. Just like the bodies in the harbor.

Another glorious day outside and I am at work. I am glad to be here yamotosan. I am glad not to be outside; I was outside earlier and it was as hot as Satan's scrotum out there. I can't wait til winter. I like it when it is as cold as a witches teet out there and I can cut glass with my nipples. Yup, It still looks hot outside. I do like watching the clouds outside. I just used to not even be still long enough to do so. Like I figured I would have time to watch clouds in my old age. Which is apparently what I am doing. (Imitation of Harry Cary as done by Will Ferrel starts) I am wondering if i stare at the clouds long enough if a puppy will jump out and scare me. I'd probably wet myself...

The Hayride

So, we get up at 10 this morning and go out to hang out with our friends who run the Creepy Hollow Hayride and see what is going on this year. Since I got this new job, I can only work on the weekends on the hayride because I work nights. So no more evil embalming doctor giving flu shots for me this year. John suggested a new character for me, and I really am digging it.

The fine art of Heckling...

Sometimes, you must express yourself. When driving. Or in my case when riding. It's fun to yell and scare the bejesus out of old ladies on the sidewalk and look out the back windows to see groceries flying all over the place. No, I've never done that.

Grand Theft Bonneville.

Last night, we were just trying to go to the movies. We almost got hit by a stolen car in the parking lot. It turns out that one of the pizza hut guys had his Bonneville taken. Then we almost get t boned by the same car. Then, we get to the movies and end up sitting next to the chatty mexicans. Laura ends up yelling something about sticking some shoes in someone's butt or something and the non english speaking guys shut up. As if on que, Chatty Kathy and her boyfriend sit down so that they can get comfortable for the play by play commentary they are about to give. And then the 3 girls decided to sit down in front of us. At one point, everyone around us was talking so I just burst out into full volume ranting about my life plans and crap. And then I found out I had the squeaky chair. I used that to my advantage, and I told Laura to scream at the f*#kers next to her. She declined. I squeaked and waived when Chatty Kathy looked over. I did the cough thing where you cough and say "Shut the F*#k up" thing. Then some tards threw a water balloon at me, but it did not burst. I picked it up and must have cut it with my talon, cuz it burst as I threw it. Oh the joys of living in the west end.

Some things to consider...

Now that I told a few people about my book, I really don't have a desire to write anymore....

I am tired of cleaning...I think I will just do that when it's time to move out.

I am a little tired of not winning the lottery....maybe I should buy a ticket.

I think I might be tired of something.

I wonder where I'm gonna live in 2 years.

I wonder what problem's I'll have in two years.

I'm tired of being this big. I think its time to get rid of the weight. I don't like my reflection in the mirror.

Zeul, What have you done with Mrs Anderson?

So, while sitting in court yesterday, my mom turns to me casually and announces to me that she is a mystic. My jaw must have dropped because she put her hand on my arm and told me it was all right. I know mom is out there, but this is just plane nuts. I have heard of mystics before, and know enough to know they are odd. "A what?" A mystic she repeats. She then explains this to me as being (yeah, with crap this crazy I got her to write this down so it’s documented) "a spiritual soul (or "type" of person) who lives transcendentally, by choice, in higher planes and who occasionally visits this world where the body lives, by necessity." I am not quick on wit, but all I can respond with is "Yes mother, I know. We’ve all known this for a while."
Personal parallel-I am wanting to switch lives with people I talk to on the phone. I have always wanted to switch lives with someone up to this point. With all this crap going on in my life, I am generally content with it. I have always wanted to switch souls with other people. Every day on the phone, there are at least 2 or 3 people I’d like to swap lifes with, even if just for the day. I am pretty sure though that I would come back to this body though. Of course, I’d like to switch with someone who has money and a valid license. I’d like to find out what it’s like to have to lug my boobs around all day. I’d like to find out what it’d be like to be a pilot. I wonder if anyone would even notice if their loved one was acting a little different for a day or two. I wonder What it would be like for them to live in my skin. I wonder if it would be possible to talk with them after switching and get and give some constructive critiicism.

There is no Mrs. Anderson, there is only Zeul.

I am having a crappy day. How abouts it's my grandfather's 82nd birthday, and I am a miserable sack at his birthday lunch. Outside of that, today is Hate on Whitey day. With the crap level of my day being so high, my tolerance for annoyance is uber low. I responded to a stupid question at lunch, and it wasn't the first one either. This shocked grandpapa, who chuckled at my retort. The underlying tone of the day is to climb out from the pile of s*#t that fell out of the sky and landed on me. And exterminate all of the a$$#*les.

Let me talk to your supervisor.....

Customers are idiots. Too good to follow the terms and conditions and when it doesn't go their way, they "Want to talk to YOUR supervisor right now." Unfornately, Ms Harris did not get to speak with my supervisor. She could only stay on hold for 10 minutes while my supervisor was on another call. That is sad.

Customers don't listen to you either. They just want to talk about what the fu*# ever and waste time. So I answer the phone "Thank you for calling ****. My name is Ian. May I have yours?" So many idiots, I mean customers are talking to someone else in the room and not paying any attention to the voice on the phone. "Oh, hello. What is the question?" Your name. That was a simple question. When they miss this first question, I know the call is going to be one of "those" calls. I am on the phone with this poor unprepared woman that is void of the slightest clue about her vacation. Arg....Idiots

Then there is this guy who got rear ended in his rental car. He tells me that we need to send an examiner out to look at the car. We don't do that. He has to file a claim, and in order to do that we have to send out claim forms, he has to fill them out and then send them in. "That's What I pay you for" is his response. So, there is a rental car sitting a lot in california collecting out of use charges because of some stupid old coger. How unfortunate.

Ever step in doggy fudge?

Or land in it? I brought this on myself.

Compulsiveness

I might be compulsive. Maybe. Probably. Okay, definately. I am trying to evacuate the clutter within my life. I am trying to sell off all my crap I don't need that I don't want anymore, but can't just throw it away. And some of my crap is collectible, dochaknow? Yeah. I wish some crackheads would come along and buy my bike so that I don't have to run into it every time I go in my bedroom. And then the crackheads would have a good bike to ride. They could pedal their crack farther than they do currently. Yeah. And they could buy all of my crazy car crap. Maybe $500 for the whole load of crap. Yeah, dochaknow?

MY WISH LIST IF ANYONE GIVES A F#$*

A Black Jeep Wrangler
A Suzuki Bandit
My student loans paid off
A cruise to the carribean
A home with lavish decor
To be 50-75 lbs lighter
To have my life straighten out
To have direction
To have savings
To have great health
To be able to contribute to other's well-being.

My unwish list
All the time I wasted drinking
all the time I wasted in college
all the money I wasted in fines and college
all the time I squandered where I could have gotten farther in my life
the family I might have had
the money I might have made
the car I might have bought from my job
the house I might have bought
my gut

I'm smiling on the inside

So, my buddy Sean is giving us a washer and dryer. This is really great and I am very excited about not having to go to the laundry matt ever again, and not have to wash stuff in my bathtub or use the old wash board down at the river. I really would like a truck.

Stolen Swingsets, Saturn sunroofs and super sweet situations.

I have been up forever so far today. It is too_____to_____ and I want to go home now. Some man called me and I swore he said something about stolen pants, so I connect him to Laura. Apparently, I did not listen to the customer that well because it must have been the individual before him that had, or didn't have, the stolen pants. Anycrap, Laura emails me that apparently somebody stole this poor man's swingset out of his yard and that is why he is calling. Yeah, I know I can't stop giggling about this now. As Laura said in the email, "Who didn't see that moving down the street suspiciously?" That's a great question. The other question is who in their right mind, or apparently not, would steal a swingset? I don't have anything to respond to this.

MY SUPER SWEET SATURN SL2's Sunroof Ceases to exist and that seriously sucks. $112$ I din't have to close the dang thing at the dealership and to have them tell me it needs new rails and that would cost $610 to fix. I'm glad I din't buy the car for that reason. It's all good. It's just like I have a giant non working window on the top of my car. Hmmm.

By the way, my word for the day is DIN"T. I din't break in your house and steal your toaster, I din't tell your sister she was ugly and then knock her up and I sure din't wrap your car around that telephone pole.

Jeckyll and Hyde

Sometimes I am a little on edge and people die. Then there is the rest of the time, but I am not suppossed to eat sugar, and you know what tastes good yeah sugar mmm sugar and i eat the candy and drink the soda and the next thing you know I am walking around the office half naked with gummy bears hanging out of all of my orifices. I am trying to sell my crap well not crap but my legos and some car models. I want to build a house that is like a ramp or something filled with giant skylights. I am a little hyper right now. I think I might go get some coffee. I am working on writing a book, so I have been slacking off with my journal. Bugs are pesky little suckers. Want to buy my legos? Have you ever realized how thoroughly refreshing and thirst quenching water is? Years have gone by, and I can only put gatorade up there. Hmm. I would like to design my own house so that I can design it just the way I want it. I am thirsty right now and could really go for some ice water. I would like vaulted ceilings, and numerous tall glass windows, etc. Like the office kinda. Does anybody remember Cleary Canadian? My favorite flavor was the Blackberry. Mmmm. Why don't travel agents know anything?

Stupid crackers.

Sometimes, ok frequently, white people annoy the crap out of me. Just being white and doing white people things really just pulls my finger or something. I mean I was up in the courthouse this morning, and some crackers were talking about how life was hard and all this crap and how they needed to go out and get real jobs. Background: these preppy honkey's were in court for wreckless (or wreckful?) driving in their green and white suvs that mommy and daddy bought them (Age around 21). The guy had just gotten back from vacationing with his "buds" in europe and the girl babysitted for 2 hours 2 times the whole summer and was whining about how life is so substandard sitting in drawing room looking out onto the bay all day and having that shiny Volvo in the driveway. Oh, it is so hard to be white. Patrick and Hannah are enduring so many problems and being so oppressed and white. Maybe they can take us out to brunch; they can pay with their credit card.

My CHALLENGED telephone.

I am at work. I have a customer calling to get ahold of an airline. I inform her she must call the airline directly, but that I can transfer her. Or at this time, at least I think I can. So customer is all"Oh boy you're gonna transfer me yay!" and I am all "Please hold as I transfer your call" and suddenly this procedure becomes impossible. I place the customer on hold and conference said airline and go to bring customer on the line, but this does not occur. So, I start the procedure over. No luck. Third time should be a charm. But it's not. Neither are the fourth time (which Is about the time I started laughing), the fifth, six or seventh time (which is about the time that Rachel started laughing), nor the eight or ninth time. During the ninth time, I just started pressing all the buttons. I figured that eventually, something good would happen. Eventually, It did. Said caller may have gotten disconnected and lost somewhere into a black hole, or just maybe to the place where Laura transferred the Portugeuse woman and her translator. Yeah, a woman calls and asks for a translator. So, Laura gets one and then brings everyone together on the line, and then just disconnects from the call. So, somewhere out there are a Portugeuse woman and her translator floating around looking to talk to someone. I wonder if they will get to talk to my customer.

Oddly enough, everyone that I have transferred to that airline since has been connected. Go figure.