Vain individuals

So, I am at work and I am sitting at my old desk on hold. I looked at the coworker's desk (you know the holier than thou...) and there is a mirror underneath the monitor, so said individual can stare at themselves. Hmm. I knew that said individual was a brown-nosing, holier than thou but to need to look at yourself during you work day-that is VAIN. I guess I am just yodeling about this because I dislike this individual and am so close to their desk....maybe I should...maybe I shouldn't......

Lauren (not Laura) is so hungry she could eat a house

So, Lauren is so hungry she could eat a house. My only response was "don't be goin and makin no people homeless cuz your hungry." I don't think I've ever been that hungry. I know I've said Blah blah blah horse before, and I think I ended up eatting beef. I could have eaten a horse though probably if 1) I was actually insane, and 2)It was prepared with some delicious sauce or marinated. I only say this because venison is good. cow is good. However I don't think I would want to eat something man-made. That would probably destroy your digestive track.

Self Control/willpower/things I lack

So, I quit drinking almost 4 months ago-really-and no problem. I thought that would be the hardest thing to do, but it isn't. Quitting smoking has been the most problematic thing I am facing in these days. I actually have enough control to not pull the fire alarm at work-but I really have to force myself not to do this when I walk down a particular hallway at work. So, I generally avoid this. But when I walked down this hallway today, I had to to fight the urge to pull the alarm like I always must when I walk down this hallway. It is so hard to do-you see the fire alarm, and you know that you are suppossed to pull it (but the time is not right) but it is begging to be pulled. That is it's sole purpose. It is not there to tell time or make a lovely addition to the wall; it is meant to be pulled and that is all. But I digress-I made it through the day without pulling the fire alarm.

SWEET MONKEY TUESDAYS!

This, being Thursday as well, was definately not one. I woke up to a redneck screaming on my answering machine at 10am, I dropped a soda and had it pour all over the "coffee table" and carpet, I opened the upside down bottle of ketchup that was left on the counter and it poured out of the bottle all over, and then dropped the bottle while putting it away, therefore splattering ketchup residue all over the refrigerator and floor. I was sure the way this day was going that my car was going to blow up on the way here; lately, it seems to want to idle at 3500rpm. How about it knew I was looking at other cars in the paper last night and behaved. Hmm.

So, I have to work this weekend, and hopefully my next day off, which is Tuesday of next week, will be a sweet monkey tuesday. I am going to see if someone can take me to look at some cars a bit up the road.

Cats and unfulfilled waffle promises....

I must apologize to the cat for all the lies and purposefully misleading her. I'll be in bed and want the cat to come and lay on the bed, and I have made numerous repetive lies to the cat about there being a waffle smorgasbord in my bedroom with all of the waffles you can eat as well as all of the syrup you can handle. I do apologize dear cat, but you would thing you might realize this after the first 10 times it happened..........

I am a day off this week.

So, I thought Tuesday was actually Wednesday. I missed an appointment Monday morning. That must have been what threw my entire week off. So, I get to work and am in the middle of something and realize that I am suppossed to be in a meeting. So, I finish what I am doing and go to the meeting. I poke my head in the door and realize this is not my meeting. I apologize, but they tell me that my meeting is in another room. So, I go to that meeting and walk in. I apologize for being late; at this time I realize I am the only male in the room. They tell me the meeting is over. Then, the manager holding the meeting tells me that this meeting was not my meeting-mine is probably tomorrow and is a team meeting. I find out it is. The meeting ends and we go back to our desks.

I find out I have a meeting at 6 for this survey thing, so I go to that. The office is empty and the lights are off. I wait. I wait. I wander. I meander down to Laura's desk and perch on the side of a cubicle. She eventually looks up and I wave to her. She looks confused, so I go back to meandering around the building. No sign of my meeting. I checked the location and time a few times. Odd, the one time I am in the right place at the right time and nothing is going on. Hmm.

So, my coworker Rachel got a 2004 candy apple red Mustang Gt convertible this weekend. She had it for about 30 minutes before some moron in an Expedition plowed into the side of her car-they had to cut the door off to get her mother out. Pretty messed up. Time to eat. Later

i LOATHE mondays

Monday, the worst day of the week, should be eliminated. They should extend the weekend and make Tuesday the first day of the week with Friday being the traditional end of the week. I am sure a lot of crap happened on mondays, but can't seem to find some great list of crap so we should assume that everything bad in the world happened on a monday. it gives you enough time to regroup before the weekend. hiroshima probably occured on monday. yeah, I do not care for mondays.

We have a new grille.

Yes friends and other, Laura and I are the proud owners of a new grille. Yes we are. It is new, and at this time still wrapped in plastic in my car. Yes, It is just as crappy as our last grille but miniturized and has no legs (ba cha ba cha). I know that you are on the edge of your seat waiting for one of our super great best in world cook outs. Rest assured, cook outs will ensue. Oh yes my darlings, we will hockeypuck some burgers and burn the chicken. Okay, hopefully we will not do either. But life happens.

I am better now. Really

Surprising how just a day off will clear your head. I feel so much better. Honest. Hey, I was just talking to Nikki and she reminded me of a situation in high school where a friend we met when we were seniors. Well, our English teacher, who rode a bicycle to school, almost got hit by said friend the year before. I really forgot about that.

However, things are occurring around me that I don't have control of. I wish that I didn't hold grudges. (At least mine aren't like that movie...) I wish I had a million dollars. I wish I had a decent car. I wish they told me not to bother with paying off my school loans. But one of my pressing wishes is to have heat, hot water and be able to cook which should come true this weekend.....

Holier than Thou

I really hate those people. "I am better than you, I am an important princess. Are you listening to every beckoning call?" These are the words that I repeatedly imagine coming out of my coworker's (the one that I had a problem with) mouth. I don't think that I have ever been uppity, but who knows? Everyone's perception of others is their own. ANYCRAP, BACK TO MY RANTING. "The world is MY OYSTER, so get me some cocktail sauce you." You know, I am sure that if something was stuck that far up my rear that I would be uncomfortable enough to walk around funny, but not enough to the point of being perky every minute of every hour (except for that brief instant when this individual became SATAN during our conversation). I hate perky too. I would need serious COCAINE to be that pleasant. Which reminds me of this lady at the government center. She seemed to be the queen of valium, and when i asked her where the bathroom was she started using both hands to direct me in the fashion of an air traffic controller. Hmm. I could barely get the directions because I was about to burst out laughing. But things happen. I'm sure she's really nice. I just don't trust her. What does she do when she gets off work? Light up a blunt in the car and drive home flicking people off while driving like a maniac. I know we all have imperfections but some people's are funny.

Like the lady at the gas company. I was waiting for her to say, "Sir, I am better than you-please hangup your phone and get off of my line." "I have all the power in the world. I am a customer service supervisor" was the impression I got from her. She informed me that it is my responsibility to make sure I get a bill every month, my responsibility to make sure they receive my payment. "So, I got to get in the car, drive 30 miles, spend 20 minutes looking for parking and then stand in 2 lines for 45 minutes?" I asked. "No sir, you can mail the bill." I almost crapped myself, but was able to respond "Not really. That's what I did do and now I am standing here without gas." What is really messed up is we requested a bill 2 weeks ago and nobody said anything about not getting our last payment. So, we are going on day 5 of no heat, hot water or being able to cook. However, we are going to Craig's tomorrow to take showers, wash clothes, cook and wash dishes and have heat and play with cats. Yay!

Today's issue with NOLD FAITHFUL (my car)

So, I leave to come to work. Everything is as fine as it can possibly be with my car. So, I am 3 blocks from my house and something happens. The car starts running like a lawnmower. I am worried that I am not going to make it to work because I can tell the car is not running on all cylinders. I wonder which ones are providing power to the engine. I am at the Walgreens next to a big white van with a giant roof and I look over because I feel someone staring at me. Some downs syndrome kid is staring at me with this giant smile. I start pulling away as the light turns green and I keep running strong with the van. I can't help but notice that the person is still staring at me smiling. I get all the way to World Access, keep in mind running on 3 cylinders, and lose them when I pull into the lot. I am livid about the whole car until I go out during my lunch and pop the hood. Problem is that one of the spark plugs is not even attached to the distributor. Hmm that may be why the engine is running like a lawn mower. But Laura sent me this link, and the bad thing is I am considering one of these "vehicles" if the price is right. Yes, Bob I want to drive a golf cart.

http://www.mitsuoka-motor.com/english/lineup/microcar/index.html

What made my day worth it....

I spoke with a really interesting woman earlier. She was a black woman in her mid 60's that was training to learn dogsledding. She wanted to be the first black woman to dogsled in Antartica. She was filled with a whole hearted laughter that made me feel warm and protected and secure, even though it may have seemed just this side of crazy. At the end of our conversation, she told me a story about her trip to Manitoba. They were travelling in this sub zero weather on a tall platform transporter and everything was covered in snow. "Everything was white around except for me." They spotted a bear in the woods and he came towards the transporter, his fur as white as the snow. "he was staring at me from the moment he saw me." He came up to the transporter and stood up and was about 8 feet tall. With the bear still staring directly at this woman, the bear cleared his throat. "Suddenly the bear was speaking. Do you know what that bear said?" I was sitting on the edge of my seat listening to this story like a little kid, eager to find out what the bear said. "That bear said, Oh Damn. There goes the neighborhood. (HAHAHAHAHA as the woman laughs that comforting laugh). I told that bear to shut his Nazi a@@ up and get on."

Talking with this person and hearing this story was the highlight of my day. Oddly enough, I have this juvenile feeling of awe that you know from the first time you read THE POLAR EXPRESS. Yeah, odd but enlightening.

Purple starfish in my gazebo. (Made you look)

I really can't think of anything to write about, so I figure I will waste the rest of my lunch just typing words that fit together. You know English is the hardest language to learn. I wonder what my friends are doing right this minute. I can see them laughing and enjoying the company of each other, and I am trapped behind this desk, or atleast doing something that makes staring at the wall seem interesting. Atleast I have some ice peppermint tea. Its no cigarette and beer fiesta, but it is really some good stuff. Just like my lunch: chicken and potato salad. Yeah, I took two good things and made them one. I know, I rule. I hope I win the lottery soon. I guess I should buy a ticket first. Yeah, that might be a good start genius. I wonder if Wilford Brimley is testing his diabetis right now. Hmm. Anycrap, I think I am going to go walk around in a circle for the remaining 7 minutes of my lunchtime. (What is going on with me today-I am supertard or something.) Okay, I have decided against walking around in that aforementioned circle for various reasons. 1) It takes energy. 2)With my luck, I will get dizzy and loose balance and coordination and take out someone's desk. 3) I just don't want to anymore-it seems foolish that i wanted to do so in the first place. 4) Yeah. So, in closing, I hope you people out there are having fun; be well, prosper and let me get back to helping america with their silly questions.

Help! I am suffering from an alergic reaction to life! Somebody medicate me!

At first, I thought that overtime was good. Work more, get more money. Wrong. I realized this when the government decided to pretty much keep most of the overtime that I had worked. So, now that the overtime is over, I can go back to living a semi-normal productive life. Or atleast I anticipate. So, what is going to happen next? We shall have to wait and see. Oh, I saw a bootlegged version of White Noise. I don't recall seeing a bootlegged film before, but this was funny. Everybody in the audience was suffering from the plague or something. Coughing the whole time throughout the movie-the only thing that was scarry about watching this movie was when Laura called for the cat when she went to sleep. I thought the "white noise" was calling for the cat. Hmm. Oh crap-I wonder how bad tomorrow is going to suck. Goodnight.

THE WORST FRIDAY EVER

I woke up the 5th time the phone rang this morning, and ended up screaming at Will. Unfortunately, his call followed the 4 previous ones which were hang ups, presumably for the christmas store. Sorry Will. My car smells funny on the way to work. I know, I mean funnier than usual. Like turpentine and candy. On fire. Yeah. I get to work and try to give a little friendly advise to a coworker which ends up with her pulling out the race card on me. No, Not a race car but the race card. I am so offended, upset and embarrassed by this that I start to calmly flip out. I talk to a member of management and then everything completely blows up and it turns out to be "a misunderstanding." Hmm. I still don't know how the friendly advice I was attempting to give got resulted in me be accused of making racist remarks, jokes and comments.

Wilford Brimley has been annoying me lately.

Wilford Brimley is getting on my nerves. He can't be the Quaker Oats man anymore with those diabeatis he is always talking about. Every time I settle down on the couch to watch the Price is Right, I hear about how my testing supplies can be delivered to my door and that I don't even have to go to the pharmacy any more and hang out with the old which are eminating various ointment related smells. If it is not that, then it is for the Scooter store or Hov-a-round. How do those two old people get to the top of that rock formation on a hov-a-round. Those things can't defy gravity, can they? I mean if so I better go get pre qualified by the scooter store so that when medicare denies my claim I will still get the scooter for free.

Saw a sign today stating that old people are the highest carriers of aids: hearing aids, medicaid, walking aids, rolaids, etc. It was quite funny cuz the guy who owns the garage is 102 or something like that and still inspects cars. I know where I am taking the Accord now if it doesn't fall apart before the next inspection.

End of that quiet week.

By the way, that quiet week ended with $265 in car repairs. Apparently, my steering knuckle was being held on by one stripped bolt just resting there. Driving home on last Wednesday, I hit a bump and heard pa-ting-ting-ting. This was one of the two bolts holding the steering knuckle. Car surgury was quoted at $241 at Sears, which is as far as I could take it due to the THUNDER in the left wheel when the brakes were applied. The guy calls me and tells me $336; he forgot to add the labor cost. He explains the parts needed; I tell him I am not paying $50 for new brake pads because the ones on the car are 2 weeks old. $283. I pick the car up with the new rotor, new pads and this knuckle thing-$265. Hmmm. See Ron White, and his view on Sears Auto Center......

I have read and understand the terms and conditions.

Terms and conditions may apply. With any contract in the real world, there are terms and conditions. Usually, you must acknowledge that you have read and understand the terms and conditions, releasing whatever company from the liability associated with said contract. Nobody is impervious to said terms and conditions. You can't sue if green munchkins pop out of your chimney and destroy your house because you did not return your movies on time. And how about everyone who wants to challenge the terms and conditions is a lawyer. Every single one. THEY ARE ALL LAWYERS, or atleast they play one on tv-especially when they realize now that they should have taken a few moments to read the TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

In case of emergency....

So everything is calm. A little too calm. Something bad is going to happen. Soon. I know. I have been working so much overtime lately and nothing interesting is happening in my life. Like the other day I bought shoes. Woa. So, I know something bad is going to happen. Like my toilet is going to mysteriously grow to GIANTOR TOILET. Or my friends are all going to get run over by a clown car and I will be be able to do is take some valium and click my heels 3 times. I am not looking forward to the lurking horrors that are sure to ensue. Nope, not at all.

A semi-uneventful week

Nothing really happened this week. I did get yelled at for some bad decisions on my part, but outside of that nothing really happened. The sun rose and set, it rained and gas is $2.13 a gallon. The highlight of my week so far was buying some sandals-I am not one to get excited over such purchases but with all the overtime I am working (and the reality of how boring this week really was) it was out of the ordinary for the week. So that would be the highlight. Oh, yeah...the cat startled me last night when I wasn't paying attention. Oh, yeah...I left my sunglasses at work last night and I went grocery shopping this morning. Yeah, that is all.