Tired of being the fat man in a tiny car

 I’ve drastically cut back and switched completely to sugar free/diet/zero calorie sodas, and replaced my Orange Mint Lifesavers with Sugar Free Jolly Ranchers. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, bit I think that has a lot to do with me counting calories and reading nutritional labels of what I’m buying and eating. I’ve learned that drinking a tall glass of water when I’m questioning if I’m actually hungry or if I’m boredom eating has really shown me a lot of my grazing is boredom eating.

I got another copy of the book that really truly helped me a decade ago (Dieting For Dumbies), and was gifted a new book Foods That Harm & Foods That Heal. Not sure I’ll be able to spend 30-45 minutes on the eliptical 2 or 3 times daily-which was never the plan, but I wanted to loose the weight bad enough I eliminated ALL the candy and traded my bad eating and drinking habits for a relationship with the eliptical machine.

Now it’s time to head back to the gym. I’m not trying to spend 45 minutes on the eliptical 2 or 3 times EVERY DAY like I did 10 years ago, but that wasn’t the plan then. I just didn’t want to be the fat guy in the tiny car anymore and turned in my bad eating and drinking habits-AND ALL MY CANDY for an addiction to the gym. It took a 11 months, but I went from 284lbs to 196lbs.

It’s been 10 years and I don’t have that crazy energy I had a decade ago, but its time to start and put in the effort now that I’m back to better health. After 2 1/2 months (Nov 25th to be exact) of sinusitus and chest conjestion, it was nice to finally have clear sinuses and lungs. Then it snowed. 

Now I’m ready.

I'm so jealous of people who know how to shut up, I shut up and subtitles come out my face.

 

Sometimes I can be long-winded and tell you every little minute detail of what had happened, but I know that comes from being the son of parents of thoroughly knowledgeable, intellectual parents that  we’re excellent communicators that could explain things in detail to people and give them all the knowledge they needed so they didn’t have any questions to ask.

This is a blessing and a curse at the same time to me; between my ability to get sidetracked, or start a new story in a story (like the movie Inception), and short attention span‘s of others sometimes I’m just rambling on like a Ramblin Man.

As a dance to my drummer and my own beat, my second New Year’s resolution there’s to be more direct communicating with others. Well, it is good to hear a friend’s voice, but I haven’t heard in a long time and catch up-I don’t need to tell everybody every little thing and monopolize or dominate the conversation. Communication is a two-way street and I realize I’ve kind of been driving right down the middle of it with long ass texts. I guess I figure it’s because I figure I can put everything into a text (I LOATHE TEXTING BTW), and everything’s there, so if you have missed something you can always scroll up to review The notes above lol. 

I grew up talking on the phone and I’ll continue calling people on the phone. There are some of y’all out there that need to set up or clean out your voicemail so I can leave you a message just telling you I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing, but it is what it is and I’m trying to keep in contact with all those great important people of and in my life.

And somebody really needs to come along an update that speech to text app because the amount of time I end up correct in the incorrect dictation Drives me bonkers. If I had a nickel for every time, I’ve screamed at my iPad “Can you hear the words coming out of my mouth?” I would be driving a Porsche 911 instead of a Honda-or have a couple of Honda’s.

Long story short-TOO LATE!!! I’m gonna try harder to use less words to get my point across.

I'm so jealous of people who know how to shut up, I shut upSometimes I can be long-winded and tell you every little minute detail of what had happened, but I know that comes from being the son of parents of thoroughly knowledgeable, intel

Milk crates are thoroughly fascinating and efficient. You know, Walmart puts security devices on the plastic handbasket so people can’t steal them now no it’s not. It really has impacted my ability to steal baskets

Somebody stole my damn cornucopia, and all the plastic hand baskets that I had stolen from our neighbors when I was a kid-their dad made shopping carts and the plastic hand baskets used in grocery stores, and he’d bring home unique colors that look like those damn jelly slippers that every girl between or and 11 had. My mom stole most of them from me and still has a bunch of them. 

That’s OK. I prefer milk crates anyway! THEY ARE SQUARE AND STACKABLE! But I actually do have a rectangular milk crate from some dairy farm. My friend Todd gave me he was showing me all the shit that he needed to get rid of in his garage. I had never seen a rectangular before and I was overwhelmed-AND SPEECHLESS-studying said rectangular milk crate. Damn ADHDDVDOMG mom you’re blocking the way there is a guy right behind you. You need to let him buy. He needs to go on the aisle let’s go this way 

Before last night, all of my shopping baskets have been stolen from me and found new homes. You know Walmart put a sensor device on hand baskets? I knew they were doing that cuz DUH!!! But I didn’t even hear it if it did go off when I walked out the door. I din’t realize I had accidentally allegedly borrowed their hand basket; I was literally checking out when my phone rings and my 77-year-old child Is freaking out in the parking lot screaming my name.

So that’s how THAT happened. ALLEGEDLY-

Dis bish Karen-

 

What Happened To 'Apartment Patty' The Key Fob Karen? - YouTube

This Karen seems like the type who would self elected herself as the new GRAND WIZARD at her local "social organization." Of course that wouldn't go overwell, but it's okay-her legal team has already filed paperwork for multiple lawsuits against entire organziation citing discrimination, assault and rape allegatons on to any and every injustice the organization has done-and will or may do in the future-and are trying to kill her.

She is willing to settle for ownership and complete control of the "social organization," any and all land even owned or associated with the organization, 8/3 BILLION (which will be audited TWICE YEARLY to audit to add and increase to include for higher cost of living adjustment and for inflation. a hand written apology from each and evety member of the organiztion, total and complete ownership of said individual, their soul, any anld all propety and possesions of said indivdual, total control and ownership of the individual, their soul-up to and including any ald all family members of relation, up to and including their souls , townseershp the entiry of all of their world ly possesions, 30% total annual inccomend all individal and aoowner , their family including but not limited t(30%) said individauls entire annual income , and lastly total and complete ownership and control of HELL.

Like Uncle Jessy used to tell Bo and Luke, " You can chase a greased pig from here to hell, but there's only 1 knot you can tie around that greasy pigs nuts that ain't gonna slip off will hold and rip 'em off clean when you hit the go pedal on your pretty little F350. YOU JUST GOTTA REMEMBER TO TIE THE SAME KNOT WHEN YOU'RE ROPING THAT PIG TO YOUR BUMPER!!! HAHAHHAHAHHAH!!!!!

My FB post from 7 years ago-

 Yeah, i am going to pretend last night din't happen. And if ANYBODY brings that s*** up I will run you down with my parent's Volvo. But the band was good, and so was the artichoke dip-

The ends and outs using your car to work

I won’t use my car for work. I lost so many drivers when I was Quioccasin Pizza Hut’s “Assistant Manager In Training.” Man did I go through drivers.

Engine blocks got cracked, alternators/water pumps bit the dust, dudes Camaro could not handle turns on Riverside Drive and he Dukes of Hazzard’d down the ravine onto the train tracks (Liability coverage only{which wont do squat to get you off the tracks- [CHEVY. Find your own road. Or just find a road and get on it and off the damn railroad tracks]}).

I think the most entertaining driver losing their car was when are star delivery driver’s eclipse spyder got repo’d right in front of the store. He had come infrom a delivery and there was nothing immediately ready to go so he took a bathroom break that was just long enough for the tow truck swoop’d in and hooked his ride. Tow truck driver was a complete douche bag, ratcheting down the wheel straps staring at my driver who’s car was just yanked, but not answering his questions or anything just giving him the stare of death before leaving with that Eclipse Spyder.

Unfortunately our grumpy, passive aggressive driver that nobody could stand was the only driver you could ALWAYS count on. Might not of had a personality or a sense of humor, but he did have 4 Geo Metro’s and was on the clock delivering pizzas whenever the store was open for business.  It always starts with just one. Ol’ boy I just bought a brand new redesigned top of the line metallic blue Geo Metro LSI sedan Before I started working there and he was always complaining about putting violets on his brand new car. Boy- was he committed to being completely absorbed Into his white people problems about up I wage on his brand new Geo Metro LSi sedan. Honestly it was a bit disturbing because we figured he would be the one to lose his shit and grab a  cutting knife and go to town on everybody in the store. I was 99% certain that’s how it would go down when he finally snapped.

Boy was I wrong about Greg And killing everybody in the Pizza Hut whenever the day he snapped happened. Nobody got murdered. He just acted REALLY weird and started suddenly had a fleet of 3 original used Geo Metro XFi‘s he rotated through. But he was most proud of his beloved friend you redesigned metallic blue Geo Metro LSI sedan was now his personal vehicle, and it would never be used to deliver pizzas ever again. Which it did a few months later when each Metro was broken on a completely different way. He was just spewing cuss words it out all day long as he came and went to deliver pizzas cussing like a sailor and tuning the rest of the world out. I couldn’t help but laugh. How do you not laugh when somebody has a constant stream of curse words for 6 to 8 hours having no shame in their game i’m not even trying to hide it.

Sure don’t miss the hut one bit.

I thought the weirdest shit on my friends wedding registry; a rechargeable salt and pepper mill or something. Okay.

 It was the cheapest thing on the registry. And the weirdest. So of course I had to.

But Jebus Cries!!! That's crazy thing called life it's just becoming a bigger, weirder dumpster fire cluster fuck every fucking week.

Choose your own gender, identify as a blender, but don't forget to plug-in your salt and pepper shaker. All the shits I never ender...